Earlier this week, Fiona Apple followed in the footsteps of Armie Hammer by getting arrested in Texas for marijuana possession, and everyone wondered why Texas was so obsessed with ruining everyone’s good time. And the arts. At the very least, this latest celebrity brush with Texas lawmen has given us a Fiona Apple prison memoir, or the onstage equivalent to a Fiona Apple prison memoir — a prefatory speech at a Friday concert in Houston about how the Texas jail she languished in featured four especially attitude-y people. A video of the concert shows Apple being not at all pleased with how these four people snickered at her, but she, like Aleksander Solzhenitsyn, was prescient enough to write everything down, and so can enjoy a long last laugh since she’s out of jail and those four people are stuck in Texas. [TMZ]
- Sharon Stone was hospitalized in Italy and released before she could say, “Clean bill of health.” [TMZ]
- Lindsay Lohan is tired of random yokels telling her how wasted she is — Lindsay knows how wasted she is. She says she will sue Jose Rodriguez, the guy who told reporters that Lindz hit him with her Porsche and “smelled like alcohol real bad,” mostly because she’s worried that if filmmakers think she’s liable to tumble off the wagon and die of cholera on the way to Fort Walla Walla, no one will invite her to be part of their Oregon Trail troupe. [TMZ]
- Papa Lohan, meanwhile, thinks Lindz should stay away from everyone except assistant Gavin Doyle, who apparently keeps her from pretending she’s driving a ride-on mower and New York pedestrians are all blades of grass on one overgrown lawn. [NYDN]
- Amanda Bynes‘ friends are wondering why members of Amanda Bynes’ family aren’t aggressively helping Amanda Bynes, but how many times, really, can anyone tell a family member, “Don’t drive, like ever,” before just losing all patience? [TMZ]
- There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation behind Shaun White‘s ill-fated drunken escapade — he was drinking from his own handle of vodka at Black Keys drummer Patrick Carney‘s wedding, which is really how all the worst adventures begin. [TMZ]
- Contrary to what would have made a good movie, Tony Scott didn’t leave all his money to the down-and-out, failed-actor diner waitress that may or may not have served him his last meal — his wife and 12-year-old twins are the beneficiaries of the late director’s trust. [TMZ]
- Ben Stiller‘s life — the current stuff, not all the hilarious stuff about being Jerry Stiller‘s kid — might become a show on ABC called Please Knock, as in, Please Knock on Jerry Stiller’s Door and Give Him a Part in a New Sitcom. [THR]
- Arnold Schwarzenegger didn’t tell Maria Shriver about the kid he fathered out of wedlock because he was embarrassed and it would have been a super-awkward conversation to have anyway. [NYDN]
- Chevy Chase passive aggressively criticized Community. [HuffPo]
- The Kills have told Kate Moss that it’d be really cool of her not to sing with them anymore, even to impress her husband, guitarist Jamie Hince. [Telegraph]
- Jewel is now officially a writer of children’s books, whooooaaaa-oooohhh. [CNN]
- Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong freaked out onstage because Justin Bieber denied his friend request. [Radar]
- James Franco, Generation Y’s less-whimsical answer to Steve Martin, is in a band called Daddy, which performs a song called “Love in the Old Days.” Take some dramamine and enjoy the kaleidoscopic music video. [HuffPo]