Get Ready To "Tenderly" Fuck All Autumn, Suggests Biology

Guys! Today is the autumnal equinox, and although it’s been fabled since the days of Annette Funicello beach romp movies that summer is the time for having all the fun and doing all the sexing, research has found that the fall is actually the Season of Fuck. Sorry, I meant the Season of Tender Caressing and Lovemaking.

This is no doubt due in part because the night is longer (duh), but it’s also because the visual cues of the changing season imbue humans with a sense of seriousness, and the brisker weather increases our desire to “nest,” which is Science for “shack up, eat chili and do It all the time.” When we do, dopamine is produced in higher levels than any other season. Male testosterone levels also peak in the fall, as do female hormonal glands, and babies conceived in the fall reap Vitamin B benefits from the light in which they are born, which immediately strengthens their immune systems and bones. If you were interested, there are also fewer suicides in the fall than any other season. The most popular time for suicide is the spring, specifically Mondays.

It’s been previously proven by a variety of studies that seasons affect sexual behavior, most recently by a study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior that discovered sex-related Google search terms (“pornography,” “prostitution”) were highest in winter and early summer. During that same timeframe, the male Siberian hamster’s testicles swell 17% larger than their normal size.

Point being, when you’re trying to pick someone up at that party later, be sure to talk about hamster testicles.