Last night, Mitt Romney appeared on Univision to promote his flailing candidacy to a group of Americans that pretty strongly doesn't like him: Latinos. But wait a gosh darn second — Mittens looked suspiciously, dramatically tanner and oranger than he normally looks. Could it be that his makeup artist was trying to bronze him to the point of Latino relatability? Did Mitt Romney fucking seriously just wear brown makeup so Latin voters might think he's tan enough to support?
During his appearance, Romney attempted to make inroads with Latino voters, who Romney desperately needs if he wants to win the election. Unfortunately, Latinos aren't really into Mitt Romney; 60% of Latino voters say they are Obama supporters while Romney has the vote of a paltry 30%. To Latino voters, the near-consensus seems to be that Romney is an off-putting weirdo who supports shitty, racist immigration policies.
So rather than just, uh, getting better policies, Mittbot's hard drive kicked into hyperdrive, a bunch of lights spun and flashed, and an idea happened. Idea: if you want the Latino vote, become a Latino. And how do humans Latino? Makeup! Foundation is our salvation!
I've gotten to the point where I just reflexively cringe when I see a news story about Mitt Romney. I can't help it anymore; the letters R-O-M-N-E-Y in succession cause a Pavlovian empathetic shame response in me. It's like watching Heidi Montag try to sing and dance at the same time.
Maybe I'm being unfair. Even though those now-infamous secret tapes of Romney revealed that the candidate believes that his life would be way easier if only he had been born a Latino rather than a white millionaire's son, there are other perfectly reasonable explanations as to why Romney would have sashayed onto the Miami Univision set oranger than John Boehner with jaudice. He could actually have jaundice, in which case this is no laughing matter. He could have been having a very sensitive skin day. Maybe his makeup artist went blind and Romney didn't have the heart to fire him. Maybe he was sending a subliminal message to Snooki. And, of course, the possibility exists that this is Mitt Romney running out of fucks to give and choosing to run the most entertaining screw-up of a campaign the US has ever seen from this point onward.