I, like most people who live in the world, have run across a toddler or two in my time. The problem is, I didn't really pay super close attention, though, as I never intended to have an actual toddler, so like zoning out during the first six weeks of geometry and never picking up on how to prove a theorem, I found myself with a toddler, but without a clue about what a Pythagorean whatever thingy is. For instance…
Did you know that a toddler is just like a person who has never been told anything at all about how the world works, including gravity, feelings or bathroom doors?
Did you know a toddler will kick you in the face and then laugh even when you are crying?
Did you know that a toddler is not your friend, but totally loves you, but not if you don't give it what it wants, and then even if you give it what it wants it sometimes loves you but even then it's no guarantee, because that's just how it is?
Did you know that a toddler will eat string cheese four times a day?
Did you know that you were tricked the two times you gave it to her because you didn't know she also asked her father twice for string cheese when you weren't listening and he gave it to her as well?
Did you know that if you think about it, your toddler's behavior is really not all that different from your worst boyfriends?
Did you know that your toddler will jump up and down on the couch even though you said not to a thousand times, and then when you ask the toddler why she is jumping up and down on the couch when you told her not to, she will say, "Because I'm jumping," like you are the idiot?
Did you know that when a toddler tells you things that happened that day that they might have happened today, last night or three weeks ago, and good luck figuring out which one, especially if it sounds kinda disturbing, like "and then he put it all over my body"?
Did you know that if a toddler said that Oscar bit her at daycare, and he did, but only once, still, even weeks after the Oscar-biting incident, every boo-boo is now blamed on Oscar, including bug bites, even when Oscar is nowhere near where you live?
Did you know that a toddler needs to go back inside the house after you've left in the morning approximately three times because she forgot her 1.) string cheese, 2.) her monkey, 3.) her neck-a-lace?
Did you know that if you take a bite of a toddler's bagel that you are a horrible person, even if she was obviously already finished with it?
Did you know that a toddler wants two bananas at once or if not that, some string cheese?
Did you know that your toddler "wants to look" every time you go to do anything, including pee?
Did you know that your toddler learned the world "bottom" but sometimes thinks it is "body" so when she says "Put it on my body" she just means "put it on me" and not some other kind of insanely disturbing activity that sounds terrifying?
Did you know your toddler has a "bugger" but she means booger which she will hand you every single time she discovers one?
Did you know that a toddler will say she does not have a poopie in her pants even though she totally, categorically does have a poopie?
Did you know that if your toddler eats a lot of bananas and cheese in one day that the poopie will resemble a small marble statue of a gargoyle?
Did you know that a toddler will say in a celebratory voice when you are changing her diaper, "You smelled my poopie!" ?
Did you know the only thing you can really answer to that question is "Yes, yes I did smell your poopie. And it was delightful. You win."
Tracy Moore is a writer in Los Angeles who has a toddler who is crushing it on a daily basis. Like, literally and figuratively. Offer support and general counsel on Twitter @iusedtobepoor.
Image by Jim Cooke.