Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Intern Tanisha assists as we attempt to fly the friendly skies of gossip onboard the econojets of In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, a 2008 photo of Jessica Simpson once again masquerades itself as a current image; Michelle Obama tells us 25 adorable facts; and Kate Middleton is officially unofficially pregnant with an heir to the throne. Again.
"At Home With Baby!"
Though never setting foot in the pint-size family's home (Snooki gave the official baby cover to People), you can still find some important details regarding Snooki's newborn baby, Lorenzo. Gems like: "his favorite song is ‘We Found Love' by Rihanna-and she has all these cute nicknames: Honey Potski, Rudgibannochki, and when he's crying too much, she calls him Rotten Rotinski! But her favorite thing to call him is ‘gorgeous handsome little man.'" Also, the baby already has over 30 teddy bears and has a leopard-print and blue room. (Fig. 1) Speaking of divas in animal print, poor pretty princess Kim Kardashian was told to get a job by the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce and she has taken that advice to heart. Kim is hell-bent on growing her net worth from a measely $38 million to $50 million, with plans on expanding her beauty and clothing brands into Europe and Asia, and taking on acting roles. Meanwhile, if Amber Portwood dies in prison, a Portwood family insider wants you to know that it is Amber's baby-daddy, Gary, who did it! Amber's tooth infection has been sensationalized into a life-threatening crisis brought on by Amber's ex refusing to send her money to buy Orajel. And finally, Jennifer Aniston is set to reveal to the world that Brad Pitt got all of the fun and personality in their 2005 divorce when she appears on Chelsea Lately this fall, for a "tell all" interview in which she will bring a goofy engagement gift, share a funny story about Justin, talk about pretty white dresses and refuse to talk about sex, the proposal or Brangelina.
Grade: F- (grounded and placed on no-fly list)
Life & Style
"Jessica Loses 40lbs. In Fourth Months: I Did It!"
This story is, in a word, garbage. The four-day-old donut of tabloid journalism. That photo? It's from 2008. The color of the dress waas changed in post-production, but it's the same dress, same earrings, same hair. That's what her body looked like 4 years ago. (And Ok! ran that same dress on their cover in May.) The story? Indirect quotes and old, out-of-context quotes. And the info that a slimmed down Jessica will debut her slimmer body on Katie Couric's new talk show, on September 10th. In the meantime, you can consume Weight Watchers propaganda and learn about how Jessica has become a cheerleader to her local Weight Watches group, even buying them pedometers. Lest you not get your fill of body-dismorphia-inducing post-baby news, Tia Mowry shares that when she didn't immediately lose the baby-weight after giving birth to her son Cree, she went to the doctor in a tizzy, asking "Women in magazines look perfect, why don't I?" To which the doctor probably face-palmed, and then told her that losing pregnancy weight takes time. Medical insurance well-used! Speaking of face-palming and weight-loss: LeAnn Rimes is taking a page out of the ol' Demi Moore "How to Keep a Husband" handbook and has taken getting super skinny, partying and trying to seem effortlessly and playfully sexy way too far. In other news, Giuliana and Bill Rancic are now the proud parents of a bouncing baby boy and are sharing the most important details of parenthood, like what make-up will last all day, how to make the perfect busy mom ponytail, and which texturizing hairspray saves you from having to wash your hair! These are all tips that will come in handy if you are set on becoming Tom Cruise's next baby-mama, as several pictures of Tom posing with female fans are used as undeniable proof that he's on the prowl for a new wife. Finally, Ke$ha has gone through an "amazing" transformation: She traded her dumpster-dive duds for the ever-classy and stylish jeans and a hoody. AMAZING. (Fig. 2)
Grade: F (detained at security for 3 hours)