A 29-year-old Texas man is suing a penis pill manufacturer, claiming that he took some of their penis pills and then the penis pills broke his penis. TO DEATH. This would be a landmark case, as it would mark the first time a "male enhancement" penis pill purchased at a gas station actually had an effect on a penis.
According to ABC News:
Adrian Carter of Texas said he purchased VirilisPro in the "early morning hours" at a Chevron gas station en route to the Scottish Inn, where he had sex with his "paramour," according to the lawsuit.
Later, during intercourse, he had "significant pain and observed a large quantity of blood squirting out of his penis onto the sheets, walls and mirror," according to the lawsuit filed Aug. 27 in the district court of Harris County, Texas.
Emergency room doctors had to "deglove" Carter's penis in order to repair it, rendering him unable to have sex or future children, Carter claimed.
I'm sorry that we all had to experience the word "deglove" just now, but I feel like we can get through this together. Remember: it's just the wonder and majesty of the human body!!!
Carter's doctor says he believes there's a "direct link" between Carter's penis pills and Carter's penis fracture. Carter is suing for "medical expenses and punitive damages for product liability, negligence, breach of warranty, deceptive trade, mental anguish, pain and suffering and 'past and future loss of consortium.'"
Urologists, on the other hand, are pretty sure he's full of shit. Broken penises, they say, are usually the result of the penis hitting the partner's pelvic bone during particularly enthusiastic intercourse—not, as Carter claims, because some magic herb pills inflated it into a gigantic sexual eggplant, dipped it in liquid nitrogen, and then whacked it against the counter-top. And furthermore, "Degloving would never have been done in an emergency room."
"I never heard of anyone being put at a higher risk for fracture because of a prescription or an herbal drug," said [Dr. Jeff Carney, chief of urology at Grady Memorial Hospital]. "With a fracture, you typically get swelling and the penis looks like an eggplant — purple and swollen. But blood coming out on the walls, that sounds really dramatic."
..."When a man breaks his penis it can be very scary," said Carney. "I believe he took this story and spiced it up."
Anyway, whatever. I don't know shit about herbs—maybe a mix of "epimedium, tribulus terrestris, panax ginseng, rhodiola rosea, lycium chinese and yohimbe extract" really can make your penis explode and require emergency degloving. Best of luck to Carter and his degloved and potentially permanently disabled penis. That's got to be a tough row to hoe. SO TO SPEAK.
(Also, not to victim-blame, but perhaps indiscriminately eating strange bundles of herbs from the Chevron mega-mart isn't the #1 wisest course of action in the history of boners—particularly because if the gas station really was selling bigger, throbbier penises, then it would be the richest gas station of all time; and if there really were a magic herb that made your penis grow, it'd almost certainly be doing some other weird shit to your body too. Like growing you a second penis out of your forehead. Or something. Point is, these people are charlatans who do not give one care about your penis health.)
But to me, the weirdest part of this story—which goes oddly unexplored in the ABC article—is the list of defendants in Carter's case. He's suing "Haute Health Limited Liability Company, Carney & Carney Financial Services, individuals Michael Heilig and Michael and Tyra Carney, and Solid Rock Worship Company." After being all, "JUUUHHHH???" at that last part, I clicked on the link for Solid Rock Worship Company, and discovered that it's a non-denominational church based in New Jersey...
...that believes in the One True Living God, the Lordship of His son, Jesus Christ, the Power of the Holy Spirit and the Authority of the Word of God. Our dynamic, modern worship, illustrated preaching, small discipleship groups and educational classes will help you discover the King that is inside of You.
"The King," I suppose, is a euphemism for "$$$~HUGGE pEn1S megaD0ng b8bymaker 5000!!!*~**~~."
Because, as we all know from Matthew 1:23, "And He came to save man from condemnation of sin by offering His blood as an atonement and making it available to all who exercise faith in Him. And lo, ye all shalt punish her womb with your newly muscular rod, for your new increased pen1s will set lassies on fire and be all women's dream. Amen."
I don't know how the evangelicals got into the penis-enlargement racket, but I guess I'm fine with whatever. As long as "The King" remains firmly inside of you and not inside of me.
Image via Picsfive/Shutterstock.