There's been a lot of talk about what Ryan Lochte, he of the shame-crush and platinum grill, will do now that he's finished competing in the 2012 Summer Olympics, with all signs pointing the fancy frat boy towards reality TV. Will he go on Dancing with the Stars? Will he be the Bachelor? According to Lochte, he and his team have been having some serious discussions about what he should do next, but one thing is for certain — he is in talks with E! to develop his own reality show, which leads us to a very important question: How the hell is this going to be watchable?
Jeah, jeah, I know — we were all for it when it was DWTS and The Bachelor, but now that he's thinking about going solo we are voicing our doubts. What's the difference? Well, it's a big one. Both DWTS and The Bachelor are ensemble series, series where Lochte would pop up every now and then for you to think, "Oh, he looks nice, but I wish he wasn't wearing that visor," only to then disappear into the crowd and be replaced by a bunch of drunk women arguing over who's the most fake, or Jackée Harry doing the mambo.
A series on E! would be all Lochte, all the time. And here's the thing — Ryan Lochte, for someone who professionally does something very interesting, is actually one of the least interesting human beings ever. You can find hundreds like him on college campuses across the country. He has a catchphrase? Who cares? So do I and it's "I'm sorry I ate the last of the chips." People love me for it. And he's good looking? [Ed: That's putting it a bit mildly.] Okay. Whatever floats your boat, I guess. To be honest, I could never get passed drooling over the 6'7" Nathan Adrian to notice much.
According to Lochte, who revealed this E! business in an interview with Celebuzz, the possible reality show would standout because it would focus on his life, which naturally includes the development of his fashion line and his acting career. Acting, according to Lochte, is challenging because, "Memorizing lines, and trying to like, say them and still like, do movement and all that." So that will be fun to watch him figure out.
The interview — which I cut down to spare you — is, in total, almost 10 minutes long. It is also excruciatingly dull. For those who want to know, here are the key points that you missed: Ryan Lochte has a crush on Carmen Electra and thinks Prince Harry is "cool." Now, imagine that 10 minute interview, gushing about Carmen Electra included, extended by 13 minutes — 33 minutes each week (and god forbid they go with an hourlong format). I am tired just thinking about it.
Ryan, go back to considering The Bachelor. E!, give us what we want and double-down on episodes of Ice Loves Coco because it's true: Ice loves Coco very much.