I Miss You, Lindsay Lohan, and I Want You Back

I have this super vivid memory of walking out of the theater after Mean Girls and saying to my friend, "So, Lohan. Do you think she's going to make it?"

"Not a chance," she said. "Trainwreck within five years." This was 2004.

We kept up arguing about that for a couple of years, with me still holding out hope on the losing end of the bet, but, of course, yeah. Shit went downhill fast. Things have been rocky for LiLo since pretty much the first moment the Mean Girls glow faded—there was no triumphant follow-up (unless you count...uh...Machete?), just a turgid turd parade circling the drain of the ABC Family Channel. And her personal life has been even more of a depressing spiral: featuring more and more outlandish dickishness and less and less personal accountability. I Know Who Killed My HEART, Lohan! (It was you!)

All of this is obvious—duh—and I'm not here to pity Lohan or scold her or even blame her for the stupid shit she gets herself into (at least not fully—those fucking parents are the garbagiest saboteurs who ever garbaged a baby out of their baby-hole and then garbaged all over it). I'm just kind of bummed out.

Here's a quick refresher of the stupid shit that Lohan has gotten herself into within the past 10 days alone:

1. Lohan was sought by police after $100,000 in jewels and electronics went missing from a Hollywood house party, and somebody fingered Lohan's "friends."

2. Lohan refused to answer any questions and then immediately fled to New York.

3. Lohan lied to police (maybe), attempting to pin the jewel heist on Andrew Knight, son of Suge Knight.

4. Lohan insisted that in fact SHE was the one who was being framed by Andrew, Son of Suge!

5. The cops began aggressively sniffing around Lohan.

6. The rich dude who owned the jewels suddenly declined to press charges because, as far as I can extrapolate, he has penis-feelings about Lohan.

7. Leaked documents reveal that Lohan has been permanently 86ed from the Chateau Marmont after repeatedly failing/refusing to pay her $46,000 bill.

8. Lohan says that the bill is "not her problem," because she was under the impression that somebody else (namely her Liz & Dick producers) deals with all her shit.

9. Aaaaaaaand the producers are like, "Nope!" because bullcorn.

Now. First of all, quit making me think things like, "I don't know—Suge Knight's son seems like a pretty nice guy."

And second of all, obviously living at the Chateau Marmont is never a good sign for any celebrity. ALWAYS a bad sign. But being banned from the Chateau Marmont? It's the fucking Chateau Marmont!!! What do you have to even DO to get the Chateau Marmont management to be all, "Ugh, why can't you be one of our good tenants? Like Jim Morrison?"

I tried to be entertained by the gossip for a few years—when there was still a shred of possibility that this was just a feckless party-girl phase, played up for our benefit and her profit. But at this point Lohan's misbehavior doesn't even have value as tabloid fodder anymore because it's just so damn unsurprising. Now, clearly it's not any of my fucking business if someone wants to have a feckless party-girl phase, or even a committed feckless party-girl lifestyle! Hey, everyone! Go nuts! I give no fucks. But I am...sad.

The reason baby-Lohan was so adorable, and the reason why she was so flawless and game-changing in Mean Girls, is because you could tell that Lohan is self-aware and smart. Also, Lohan is beautiful. Do you remember this photo shoot? I'm not a lesbian, but OOPS, NOW I AM A LESBIAN.

Talent and beauty don't make Lohan's fall worse, exactly—I am similarly sad when unattractive or stupid people spiral into disaster—but they do make it more acutely disappointing. Sorry in advance for the hyperbole, but she is literally the biggest disappointment ever.

Acting out isn't cute anymore, avoiding responsibility isn't wacky, and taking advantage of strangers isn't a party. It's just being a dick. And now we're here, in this moment of national realization. Suddenly Lohan is like your "fun" cousin you grew up with, who just dazzled you when you were kids, but who got more and more out of control as you got older, until one day it dawns on you that your cousin's craaazy antics aren't "antics" at all—they're a serious, desperate mental/emotional/substance abuse problem. But you still love your cousin! You want your cousin back! Because you remember the good times when you felt so dazzled, like when you went to summer camp together, and when your cousin switched places with her long-lost twin sister to try and trick their parents into falling back in love. Or when your cousin got a magic amulet from a wise man in Chinatown and then switched bodies with her mom (you know, your aunt) and learned a lesson about responsibility and heart. You just want that cousin back. Only now your cousin has had so much elective facial surgery that she can't switch places with anyone anymore. Except for Meg Ryan. Sigh.

It's like that. I just want my Lohan back. I really didn't want to lose that bet.