Ann Romney Promises Mitt Will Love America Like a Smitten Teen at a High School DanceS

In an attempt to appeal to female voters, last night the GOP showcased some of its best lady talent, all of whom had some harshly dismissive words about the War on Women (it's a figment of your hysterical imagination) and how Mitt Romney will do things that will make ladies happy. The most noteworthy, touching moment of the evening was when Ann Romney delivered her speech about love, and how if elected President, Romney will love America as he loved Ann (hopefully that means he will stop hiding his money from America, as that's generally not good form in a marriage). See, women? Mittens Romney and the Republican party is nothing to be afraid of. Tons of ladies are Republicans and everything turned out fine for them!

While Ann Romney's speech about love stole the show, yesterday's other speeches were characterized by the sort of impotent rage that typifies right wing talk radio. And the non-Romney ladies proved that they can rage just as hard, and idiotically, as the Limbaughs.

Said "actress and radio personality" Janine Turner,

Patrick Henry said, "Give me liberty or give me death." Today Obama enables an entitlement society that says, "Give me liberty and gimme, gimme!"

Why? Because democrats depend on dependence.

America was not born with a gimme, gimme mentality, and American liberty cannot survive with a gimme, gimme mentality.

Delaware candidate for Lieutenant Governor Shar Valenzuela said,

In the end, it all comes down to what you believe.

And yes, they are believers!

The Obama Administration believes in "experts" and blue ribbon panels.

They believe in creating new agencies and boards.

Ooh, the derisive quotation marks. Sounds like someone's "angry."

Valenzuela, by the way, built her business with the help of millions of dollars in government loans and contracts as well as a bailout for being a specially designated minority owned business. So when she says "we built this," I guess she means it like how communists would mean it.

From New Hampshire Senator Kelly Ayotte,

He'll get the federal government out of the business of small business.

He'll fight to lower and simplify taxes.

He'll work to eliminate job-killing red tape.

And he will roll back Obamacare starting on Day One!

This line was met with cheers. Explosive cheers. Hooray for taking away insurance coverage!

But despite all of the lady attack dogging yesterday, the speech everyone paid attention to was the nice one. The one where Ann Romney talked about thing that everyone likes. Romcoms and Matthew McConaugheys and makeover montages and plucky soundtracks and impossibly expensive weddings between urban lady magazine writers and their fellow dude writer husbands. Hand holding and happy stock photos in front of vacation time shares. I know that all these other speeches got you riled up, America, but Ann Romney would like you to calm your lady emotions down and vote with the rubber Ronald Reagan mask that encircles your heart.

The concept of having candidates' non policy expert wives deliver impassioned speeches about how they like their husbands an awful lot has always puzzled me. Of course you like him; you married him. I'd be more impressed if a total stranger who collects presidential trivia and memorabilia got up onstage and explained the nerdy minutiae of their hobby, and how they chose Mitt Romney first for their Fantasy Executive Branch League draft based on his solid business acumen and tax-lowering average. Something called TBI- terrorists batted in. Stats! Numbers! But the practice of having a candidate's wife take to the podium is ostensibly beneficial to the process of "humanizing" a candidate, so it's become another weird political tradition that doesn't make much sense, like the electoral college and the Iowa caucuses. Voting for a candidate because his wife likes him is like going out with a dude because his mom thinks he's the handsomest kid in school.

Overall, Mrs. Romney's speech was a triumphant moment for the campaign and the most compelling moment in a day characterized by petty, impotent anger; as everyone who has ever written about Ann Romney has pointed out, her natural warmth and sweetness provide a nice contrast to Mitt's Robot Who Hasn't Yet Learned To Love stage presence. The aspirant First Lady's speech was also refreshingly devoid of the gross dog whistle talk that's characterized the last couple of weeks in the campaign — from Mitt's sneer that no one ever asked for his birth certificate (unlike certain black people, amirite!?) to the bizarre implication that Obama cut the work requirement from welfare programs in an attempt to appeal to his base. The Republican crowd cheered extra hard at the part where Ann said that she and Mitt didn't have a storybook marriage, they had a real marriage, which could have been construed as a defiant whoop against gay ("fake") marriage , but other than that, Ann just spent her speech on sweetness and light. But maybe my interpretation of the crowd's response is erring on the side of the cynical. Maybe they were cheering in solidarity, because what American marriage hasn't gone through the travails of figuring out how to get a dressage horse to London in time for the Olympics? Kitchen table stuff, the Romneys' lives.

Mrs. Romney also took some time to give a shout out to all of her homies who have given birth. The Moms. Can all you creators of human life put your hands in the air and wave them around like you're preoccupied with your family finances? Being a woman is rough, amirite? And that's why you should vote for her husband, a guy who supports policies that make it more difficult for a sexually active young woman to not become a mom, and who stands against policies that would make things easier for moms who aren't married to millionaires to provide for their families.

Mitt Romney spent the proceedings wincing like a guy at his own retirement party, and following Mrs. Romney's speech, New Jersey governor Chris Christie gave a speech that could basically be boiled down to "Yeah, but fuck love. Do what you want and let 'em hate you!" Christie also lamented the "abhorrent notion of the government getting between a woman and her doctor," which is just about the most ironic thing I've ever heard an anti-abortion governor utter.

Overall, a confusing day.