This week was, pardon my French, a piece of fucking merde. The news was so bad that we all became bored with bad news. To make matters worse, this week stretched on and on, like that time you spent an hour making out with the young man who your memory would come to know as Halitosis Guy you were 18 and too polite to say anything. There's good news, though — it must have been crap, but it's over now. Let's gif it out.
First, let's get this out of the way: that whole "legitimate rape" thing.
Congressman Todd Akin is a jackass.
... unfortunately, it was only for his use of the word "legitimate." Not for the fact that he actually thinks that women have magical wombs that zap rapesperm.
Republicans were mad.
They denounced Akin and tried to get him to drop out of the race. Akin stayed in. Now Claire McCaskill is up by 10 points.
Meanwhile, they added a strict "no abortions, no rape exception" to their official platform, like we wouldn't notice.
The platform, which will be revealed to the public on Monday, is reportedly the most conservative bunch of wingnuttery assembled since Michele Bachmann took that freewriting class.
We saw Prince Harry's butt.
There comes a time in a woman's life when she's seen too many butts. Usually that time happens right after watching Magic Mike.
A lot of people got shot.
Fatal shooting at the Empire State Building, but also, to review, 19 people were shot in Chicago last night. NINETEEN.
Lance Armstrong isn't going to fight doping claims anymore.
I tried to make a joke about this on Twitter, but someone who is not Lance Armstrong or Lance Armstrong's personal friend got very, very upset. So I will say this about Lance Armstrong: he is a guy who rides bikes sometimes. And Livestrong bracelets are ugly.
The election is still a slapfight
Obama and Romney are still going at it, and Mitt Romney is still so unfunny it almost hurts. Did you hear the one he made today about how no one has ever asked for his birth certificate? Please, tell me more about how being a rich white man is awesome.
And Jerry Nelson, the puppetteer who voiced Count von Count, Herry Monster, Sherlock Hemlock, the Amazing Mumford, and other beloved Muppety characters, died.
Obligatory follow-up joke: and yet (insert useless, talentless celebrity name here) still lives on.
And there's a hurricane making its way toward Haiti right now.
Isaac should hit Florida just in time for the Republican National Convention. Because God's all, "this blows."
So how did your week go?