Ever since some jerk took blurry naked photos of Prince Harry's royal junk cavorting in Vegas, the internet's been all, "BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH." And now Playgirl wants in on the blah-blahs, offering Harry six figures to display his Moste Honorable Penis and Testes of the Realm in the pages of their fine publication.
"I think what we all started to decide right away was just how much money the offers would go out for him," Playgirl publisher Vincent Stevens tells [E!] exclusively. "There's no way in the world that he would ever consider this but you're talking about numbers in the six figures right off the bat."
"He's a wild party guy," he says. "He's appealing to a lot of people because, although he's from the royal family, there's sort of this untamed nature to him. I think that's something that's really attractive to our readers and to the general public. He can't be contained by the royal family. He's just a free spirit."
Spoiler alert for the entire earth: There are penises everywhere. They are all around you. If you're in a public place, there is probably one within three feet of you right now. Quick! Call ALL THE POLICEMEN! Or we could all chill out about the existence of genitals for five seconds and just let twentysomething dudes in Vegas be twentysomething dudes in Vegas. [E!]
Medical doctor puckered, seeping anus in a wig Donald Trump killed a bunch of babies today by farting garbage science about vaccines and autism to his 1.4 million Twitter followers. Donald Trump is the worst person on earth and I'm not religious but I hope hell is real so he can go there and spend eternity impaled by a goblin on a pertussis-infected pitchfork while the shades of former Miss USA contestants float by, mocking his tiny, shriveled genitals.
Speaking of bewildered old trolls who I fucking hate, Mike Huckabee is crying his pants over poor, abused Todd Akin:
"The Party's leaders have for reasons that aren't rational, left [Akin] behind on the political battlefield, wounded and bleeding, a casualty of his self-inflicted, but not intentional wound," Huckabee said in an e-mail to supporters today.
Hey, shit-person. Nobody likes you. Go away. [NYMag]
James Franco is about to do some gay stuff—but not too-gay gay stuff! So, no penis:
The Oscar-nominated actor costars in a new art project inspired by Cruising, director William Friedkin's controversial 1980 film about a New York cop (Al Pacino) who is hunting for a serial killer in the city's gay S/M subculture.
"We'll have a couple of versions," Franco's director Travis Mathews says in a new interview with the Advocate. "One that is dirty and one that is dirtier. But neither ventures into hardcore territory."
Okey dokey. [E!]
- Kris Jenner really really really wants Kanye West to be an American Idol jurdgggggggg...oops, fugue state BRB. [ShowbizSpy]
- Here's Sofia Vergara as Lucille Ball having a stroke. Alarming but impressive. (Lucille Ball didn't die of a stroke, did she? #sensitivity) [DailyMail]
- This isn't "news," but did you know that Carson from Downton Abbey is married to Imelda Staunton? CAH-YOOOT. [Express]
- Sasha Baron Cohen (in character as The Dictator's Admiral General Aladeen, which I guess makes it...better?) went on Howard Stern and made a bunch of gay jokes about Ryan Seacrest because they are in a "feud." Cohen told Stern, "He apparently has an asshole like a collapsed mineshaft." Man, dude, I want Sasha Baron Cohen to make something new that I can love without feeling gross—even more than I want Mrs. Piggle Wiggle to be real and come clean my house right now using magic turnip seeds or something. [Radar]
- Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell solicited old people via craigslist and then filmed their naked bodays. [Us]
- Miranda Lambert talked some shit about her friend's "mullet" wedding dress. [People]
- Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher went to a Dodgers game. [ContactMusic]
- Kathy Griffin has a boyfriend. [JanetCharlton]
- Salma Hayek is "proud to be Mexican," "loves Mexican candy." [Yahoo!]
- Madonna "forgives" Elton John, except really she's just being a dick. [TMZ]
- Here is an exhaustive list of all the dirty animals who live in celebrities' houses and hoard secrets. [E!]
- Katy Perry and John Mayer broke up. Control your weeping. [Us]