This Week In Tabloids: That Time Kim Kardashian Had Sex With Two Porn StarsS

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Intern Tanisha assists as we gobble the fast food gossip from In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week: Emily from The Bachelorette has been sending filthy texts and nudie pix to a dude who is not her fiancé; a porn star claims he was in a three-way with Kim Kardashian and some other chick; and if you want to check out Honey Boo Boo's parents' mug shots, well, you're in the right place.


This Week In Tabloids: That Time Kim Kardashian Had Sex With Two Porn StarsS

OK
"Teen Mom Nastiest Fights Ever"
Not-a-teen-anymore mom Maci Bookout got nasty on her 21st birthday, celebrating with sex toys, flavored condoms and tiny bottles of alcohol, provided by her friends and boyfriend, Kyle King. However: her babydaddy, Ryan Edwards, thinks that bday behavior was irresponsible, as opposed to the lack of condoms and self-pleasure exhibited during the conception of their now 3-year-old child, Bently. Sometimes-absentee mother Jenelle Evens was still with boyfriend Kieffer Delp, even when he tweeted a naked picture of Jenelle, but the pair broke up when Kieffer insisted on cleaning their home while she was reading Fifty Shades of Grey. Dealbreaker! Katy Perry, however, doesn't need an erotic novel to get hot and bothered, as she — and all of John Mayer's exes — think his body is a wonderland. Meanwhile, John's ex, Jennifer Aniston, refuses to sign a prenup, because "true love doesn't need to be protected." In requisite Kardashian news, Kimye discuss how to accessorize with a (as yet nonexistent) baby: "If they start off talking about heels then somehow the topic changes to 'Well, you can't wear those sky-high heels when you're chasing around a baby.'" Gucci Gucci coo.
Grade: F (moldy hamburger bun)


This Week In Tabloids: That Time Kim Kardashian Had Sex With Two Porn StarsS

Life & Style
"Baby Joy & Drama"
Babies are the new Hollywood must-have accessory. Borrowing a page out of the "Kris Jenner Book of Parenting" Kimye can't wait to give birth to twins: a baby and a children's clothing line. Also trying to add to the Kardashian kast, Kim's sister Khloe is pulling out all the stops to get pregnant, including starting her second round of IVF treatments. Meanwhile, Jessica Simpson is feeling pressure to lose the remaining 14 pounds of baby weight still left after giving birth to baby Maxwell, and is "sacrificing time with her little girl" to work out six days a week. Next, new bachelor RPattz is getting sweet, sexy revenge on Kristen Stewart by looking "flawlessly groomed with a stylish wardrobe to match," while KStew has been hiding at a friend's house looking "skinny and disheveled" like the evil crone the media has made her out to be. And finally, Prince Harry challenged Ryan Lochte to a race at a Vegas hotel pool on August 19th, and as we all know, the Locht-ness monster replied, "Jeah" and proceeded to beat his royal heiny.
Grade: D (sour milkshake)


This Week In Tabloids: That Time Kim Kardashian Had Sex With Two Porn StarsS

In Touch
"Get Away From My Baby!"
Coverline or Lifetime mini-series starring Meredith Baxter Birney? Kourtney K doesn't want American Psycho Scott Disick anywhere near her offspring. Scott has been behaving like a third child, in need of attention, "He's bored…he's a 29-year-old dad with no real job and nothing to do", and so has been partying and using drugs to fill the void left by his partner's responsible parenting. Speaking of responsible parenting, Snooki is worried that she won't be a good mother, but insists that she'll try her best to balance being a strict mom with being a cool mom, saying "I mean, I want my kid to feel comfortable enough to say fuck in front of me." Also, she's against spray tanning children, so she's totally going to be a great mom! Meanwhile, Miley Cyrus's loved ones worry that the NINETEEN year old is headed for a Britney-esque breakdown, because she changed her look dramatically, is getting tattoos, is worried about what others think about her, and tweets sexy pictures of herself. And finally, the mag celebrates starlets for giving up extreme diets yet embracing their still-thin bodies, with the spread "They Look Better With Curves" (Fig. 1)
Grade: D+ (cold french fries)


This Week In Tabloids: That Time Kim Kardashian Had Sex With Two Porn StarsS

Us
"Emily Caught Cheating!"
After the finale of The Bachelorette, we thought — nay, hoped — we could forget all about Emily Maynard and her fiancé, Jef With One F. But the toothy blondes have resurfaced! Apparently Emily went to hang out with Jef's family in Pawleys Island, South Carolina. Clean-living good girl Emily and her daughter, Ricki, stayed in one room, while Jef bunked with his brother, and everyone went to the beach and laughed and had a good old time. Then Jef saw some explicit text messages and photos to and from another man on Emily's phone and yelled: "You've been fucking cheating on me for months! Pack your shit and get the fuck out." The gentleman on the receiving end is "unidentified," but this story would be better if he were Arie, yes? Anyway, good girl Emily cried, told the family she'd fucked up real bad, and left. However, the mag claims they are "keeping up a united front." (And just today she was saying lovey-dovey crap about him on Twitter. So, grain of salt.) Also inside: Scarlett Johansson and boyfriend Nate Naylor were spotted in Paris canoodling over rosé and scallops at a restaurant called Le Schmuck, which is our new fave name for a restaurant and/or ex-boyfriend. Britney Spears is "dragging her feet" about getting married and sometimes feels like Jason is more of a mentor than a husband. Is that bad? Taylor Swift is "head over heels" for Conor Kennedy, who is four years younger and will be a senior in high school this fall. Kristen Stewart doesn't sleep, just stays up all night crying, and insists to RPatz that she and Rupert Sanders never had sex. Rob doesn't understand why she did it, but a "friend" claims that he doesn't hate her and he's not mad and "this isn't the end of them." Because vampires are immortal, duh.
Grade: C (day-old chicken nuggets)


This Week In Tabloids: That Time Kim Kardashian Had Sex With Two Porn StarsS

Star
"Kim Caught With A Man — And A Woman!"
A porn star named Julian St. Jox, who wears colored contact lenses, looks like he could be in the Soul Glo commercial, and whom you should not Google lest you want pictures of dicks all over your screen, claims that in 2001 — yes, eleven years ago — he had group sex with Kim Kardashian at a swingers' party. This was a classy, upscale, invite-only event, held at a small hotel Culver City. You had to know someone or submit a photo to get invited. Kim was 20 years old at the time and married to Damon Thomas, and the two of them arrived at the party, met Mr. St. Jox and another porn star, a busty blonde named Emily Ann, and they danced and drank and went into a hotel room where lots of people were already having sex and took all of their clothes off. St. Jox erroneously assumes of Kim, "I'm pretty sure she knew who I was." He says Emily Ann and Kim were kissing and then Emily Ann went down on KK and then he went down on KK and then "I kissed her all over her body and we had sex in a few different positions." St. Jox adds: "I'm not sure if this was her first time at an orgy or not, but she looked very comfortable." Anywho, with this slut-shaming, we're supposed to believe that Kanye might leave Kim over this decade-old encounter, and that Monsieur St. Jox, who's put his P in approximately one zillion Vs, remembers Kim Kardashian from before she was famous. Moving on! When he has a cute waitress, Johnny Depp likes to leave his phone behind, so she'll chase after him. Then he'll strike up a conversation and get her digits. He could also just say, "Hi, I'm Johnny Depp," but maybe that's not as fun? Meanwhile, apparently now that Katie Holmes is divorced, she has only one pair of shoes? (Fig. 2) Russell Crowe and Hugh Jackman are "fighting like catty tween girls" on the set of Les Misérables — Russell "sneers" at Hugh's "musical theater background" (of course! you can just picture him calling HJ a pansy or some crap) and Hugh hates Russell's embarrassing bad reputation. What else? Selena Gomez refused to come out of her air-conditioned trailer to shoot a scene for her new movie Parental Guidance Suggested, saying it was too hot. It was about 87° that day. Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart have been fighting ever since the alleged glory hole incident. Russell Brand was spotted kissing a woman who is not his girlfriend. The cover claims Brad Pitt was "busted with hot blonde," but inside, you discover that she was an actor playing a chauffeur and he was filming a scene for a movie. In TSwift news, a source claims she is "coming on way too strong" for poor young Conor Kennedy, and when he told her she was smothering him, she went ballistic, screaming, "I've rearranged my life for you, and now you have the nerve to dis me like this?" LOLWUT. Apparently TayTay is "extremely needy" and maybe proof that home schooling can fuck you up? Finally, the Honey Boo Boo family — and their mug shots — make an appearance in this issue: Mama spent four days in jail in 2008 for skipping child support payments, and Sugar Bear was convicted of burglary in 1994 and arrested again in 1998 for "theft by entering an auto" and possession of a firearm. The editors at Star called his grandmother — as they are wont to do — and she says he is "not exactly right." Pretty sure she means "in the head." (Fig. 3)
Grade: C+ (kiddie cone)


Addendum

This Week In Tabloids: That Time Kim Kardashian Had Sex With Two Porn StarsS

Fig. 1, from In Touch

This Week In Tabloids: That Time Kim Kardashian Had Sex With Two Porn Stars

Fig. 2, from Star

This Week In Tabloids: That Time Kim Kardashian Had Sex With Two Porn Stars

Fig. 3, from Star