Look, bro — it's a given that we all want to get right with the Lord, but that does not mean we have to sacrifice our sexy bodies for beach season. Who's to say that the reason God put you on this Earth wasn't to be as muscly and fit as possible? I mean, you could prove yourself to be a good Christian by devoting your life to helping the poor and less fortunate, but why do that when you can instead devote your life to achieving some Jesus-on-the-cross style abs? And have you ever seen Mother Theresa in a bikini? Nuh-uh — invite her to the beach for a chill game of beach volleyball and she wouldn't even KNOW what to do with herself. I guess what I'm trying to say, man, is that maybe the Lord and JC are cool if you take sometime to focus on you by doing Push-Ups for Purity or something. Or if that's not your thing, you could do, like, a raw kale diet for Alpha and Omega or Pilates for the Virgin Mary. Just because you're giving it up for the lord does not mean you have to give up on yourself, dude.

[Christian Nightmares]