Todd "Legitimate Rape" Akin is so, so sorry. He's so unbelievably, self-flagellatingly remorseful that he has released a new ad begging voters' forgiveness, claiming he used the "wrong words in the wrong way." But that's not enough for top GOP officials, who are trying to come in and shut that whole thing down. Guy doing something directly harmful to another entity that the entity doesn't want? Republicans trying to force someone to live with the consequences of their mistakes forever? My god, the rape jokes write themselves.

In the ad, Akin says, traces of legitimate tears in his eyes,

Rape is an evil act. I used the wrong words in the wrong way and for that I apologize. As the father of two daughters, I want tough justice for predators. I have a compassionate heart for the victims of sexual assault. I pray for them.The fact is, rape can lead to pregnancy. The truth is, rape has many victims. The mistake I made was in the words I said, not in the heart I hold. I ask for your forgiveness.

The wrong words in the wrong way. Here's an example of using the wrong words in the wrong way: when you accidentally say "I love you" to someone on tech support before hanging up because most of your phone calls are with your significant other and it's become automatic. Running into a chair and saying "Excuse me!" is another way to use the wrong words in the wrong way. Expressing belief in a pervasive and harmful myth isn't using the wrong words in the wrong way — it's just telling the whole world you're a dangerous idiot.

Akin's had a difficult couple of days. After saying that women rarely get pregnant as a result of "legitimate rape" because the female body has ways to "shut that whole thing down" on live TV, everyone in the whole world did a spit take. Liberals and most people who currently possess (or have in the past possessed) uteruses couldn't believe that a Congressman who currently sits on the Science Committee could be such an irredeemable dumb fuck when it came to basic biology of the female body, nor could they believe that a human with a grasp of human physiology most teachers would expect from second graders was actually trying to make laws governing the sort of medical care that should be available to women. Conservatives were outraged for a different reason — because Todd Akin said aloud something that is normally couched in layers of dog whistle talk and euphemism. They're not disgusted by Akin's views, they're disgusted that people have found out about their views.

While that assertion sounds tinfoil hat-ready, consider this: the GOP Platform Committee is currently meeting in Tampa to hammer out what the party will officially stand for during this election cycle and for the next four years. And a key part of the platform? A push to add an amendment to the US Constitution that would outlaw all abortion with no explicit exceptions for rape or incest. Not even legitimate rape! Well, you know what they say — if life hands you incestuous rape-lemons, make incestuous rape-lemonade. Yeah, sure, you were raped, but at least you got a baby out of the deal, right?! Bitches love babies.

If there's anything we learned from this debacle, it's that Senator Claire McCaskill is a goddamn genius. McCaskill ran ads during the hotly contested GOP primary touting Akin's conservative credentials. She said all along that he was the one she wanted to run against. And after Akin's disastrous TV appearance, she implicitly encouraged him to keep running. Look at her. All smart.

We've also learned the lengths the GOP will go to obscure their real beliefs from the voting public. While Mitt Romney et al were frowning and shaking their fingers like a disappointed Bob Saget at about minute 16 in an episode of Full House wherein Stephanie accidentally breaks one of Michelle's toys and then lies about it, they were actually doing that Republican thing where they pretend they hate that thing they actually love. Like how career racist Strom Thurmond had that black mistress, or how Mark "Family Values" Sanford abandoned his wife and four sons on Father's Day so he could diddle his Argentinian lover.

But maybe there's hope for Todd Akin's political future yet. If he did in fact use the wrong words in the wrong way, it's entirely possible that he mistakenly attributed the ability to shut out intruders to the human uterus, when he really meant to say "The Batcave."

[USAT]