Prince William Saves a Girl from Drowning, Is Probably a Knight of the Roundtable

Prince William, who is a Royal Air Force search and rescue pilot, recently had the opportunity to demonstrate his dashing heroism when he helped save a 16-year-old girl who was in danger of drowning after getting caught in a rip current off the coast of Wales. Lucky for her, William's whirlybird (which is what military folk and people straining for alliteration call a helicopter) had just landed nearby after going out on a routine exercise. William and the crew responded to the emergency call and reached the floundering swimmer in "less than a minute," just as her head had slipped below the surface of the water. It was all very dramatic and very much like The Guardian, only with a bona fide prince as the hero instead of Ashton Kutcher. Though there aren't any specific details about William's heroics, we should just assume that his royal aura helped lift the girl out of the water, whereupon he breathed life back into her lungs with a princely round of CPR and turned the worst-ever summer memory into the best summer memory. [CNN]

  • The axe fell pretty hard this weekend on 20 (some estimates say more like 25) Tonight Show staffers, with reports that the latest paroxysm of downsizing has even nibbled into Jay Leno's salary. Though the late-night show is consistently number one in the ratings, some sources think that Comcast, NBC's new parent company, "wants to go through everything at NBC and get their money back." Outsiders have suggested that ad sales are down, which, whether true or not, is at least a more tenable theory than Comcast ordered the job cuts just ‘cause that's what big, evil corporations do. [Deadline]
  • There's a chum-like rumor floating around the internets that Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake got married in Jackson Hole, Wyoming Saturday evening. Or maybe they're getting married right this very second! The world waits patiently for news, but one thing is certain — the union won't be official unless Rev. Eric Camden marries them. [Janet Charlton]
  • Madonna is officially protesting Pussy Riot's two-year prison sentence. Original protester Sting plans to make her a button or something. [Reuters]
  • Madonna's also being sued "for millions of dollars" by a bunch of Russian bigots who are upset that she openly voiced her support for gay rights at a St. Petersburg concert. [AP]
  • Robert Pattinson has reportedly sold the $5.8 million home he had shared with Kristen Stewart before an ill-fated daguerreotype ruined everything. [News Au]
  • D.B Sweeney, whom some of you may remember from The Cutting Edge, while others may remember from TV's The Closer, and while still others may remember from the teleplay Swamp Shark, has called R-Patz a "douche," and has consequently felt the wrath of disaffected Twilight fans everywhere. [Radar]
  • Dubious reports are circulating that Kristen Stewart, meanwhile, has been subsisting "basically" on Red Bull and cigarettes. [Showbiz Spy]
  • Rihanna has been accused of "sanctioning violence" because she spoke candidly with Oprah about sometimes missing Chris Brown. [Daily Mail]
  • Hank Williams, Jr. apparently told fans gathered at concert at the Iowa State Fair Grandstand that President Obama is "a Muslim President who hates farming," among a litany of other things that probably includes bad country musicians treading on the legacies of their parents. [HuffPo]
  • Patrick Schwarzenegger agrees with Lady Gaga that bullies like Pierce Hawthorne must be stopped. [NYDN]
  • Nicki Minaj had to cancel a show at the V Festival in England due to strained autotune. [E!]
  • Nik Richie of TheDirty.com refused to shake Doug Hutchinson's hand, calling the 52-year-old actor a "child molestor" for marrying 17-year-old Courtney Stodden. The unfortunate encounter made Hutchinson really sad. [TMZ]
  • Lindsay Lohan is the best big sister ever, mostly because she bought her younger brother $3,000 worth of crap from Target. [TMZ]
  • Two months could pass before we ever know for sure what killed former Real World star Joey Kovar, as an autopsy conducted on Saturday proved "inconclusive." [Radar]
  • Nadya Suleman has released a dance track called "Sexy Party," the existence of which should fulfill your daily quota for the macabre. [TMZ]
  • Queen Elizabeth's six-pack of corgis reportedly fucked up one of Princess Beatrice's Norfolk terriers, which I guess is proof that God really doesn't love a terrier, or at least doesn't favor them over other dogs of comparable size and girth. [Telegraph]
  • Today is the anniversary of the star-crossed union between Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian. Maybe love can still find a way... [NYDN]