This Week In Tabloids: Taylor Swift Will Soon Be Taylor Kennedy and Is Already Dressing Like Jackie O.S

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Intern Tanisha assists as we pluck fragrant blooms of gossip from In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie are racing to the altar; Jessica Simpson maybe hasn't lost the baby weight because she is pregnant again; and Taylor is Swiftly entrenching herself in Hyannis Port.


This Week In Tabloids: Taylor Swift Will Soon Be Taylor Kennedy and Is Already Dressing Like Jackie O.S

Ok!
"My Battle With Drug Abuse"
Teen Mom Farrah Abraham confesses that her teen years were filled with drug abuse, underaged drinking and random one-night stands, in her new memoir, My Teenage Dream Ended. One such incident included her drinking "enough jungle juice to forget where the potty was" causing her to wet the bed that she shared with her hookup partner. Thanks for sharing! Next, Ok has been hiding under a rock and doesn't yet know that Jennifer Aniston is now betrothed to Justin Theroux. The mag reports Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux are rekindling the romance after she DECLINED his marriage proposal in Europe in July. Whoops. Jennifer Lopez's family has staged a FamLo intervention, after concerns grew that she and her boyfriend, Casper Smart are moving too fast. "They focused on the fact that Jennifer has a long history of moving too quickly when it comes to her relationships—which she can't deny... but she eventually admitted that she has a history of moving too quickly, and agreed to put a little space between Casper and herself." Well, the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem with falling in love with young, swiveled hipped backup dancers. In Robsten news, broken-hearted and scorned lover Robert Pattinson is accusing ex-love and current media pariah Kristen Stewart of hooking up with her good friend, movie producer Giovanni Agnelli, whose home she is crashing in. An insider says that Kristen still cares about what Rob thinks, but "She has basically told everyone off and said that if she wants to have an affair with this guy, she will." Finally, if you're reading this mag on your front stoop during your poverty-induced stay-cation, you will love the four-page spread about how Blue Ivy Carter has a $600,000 solid-gold rocking horse, JLo's twins were dunked into holy water wearing $200,000 outfits and Louis Bardo Bullock has his very own Warhol priced at $14,000. (Fig. 1)
Grade: F (hemlock)


This Week In Tabloids: Taylor Swift Will Soon Be Taylor Kennedy and Is Already Dressing Like Jackie O.S

In Touch
"Split!"
Terry Guido, as we like to call her, didn't like it very much when her husband was caught on TV calling her a bitch and a cunt. "I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach," she says. "I was humiliated." But not too humiliated to pose for a photo shoot in a symbolically pure white dress! Let us move on. Trista from The Bachelorette is turning 40, so she got herself some plastic surgery for her "sagging breasts" and her "droopy eye." Mazel? Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are emailing and texting back and forth but it's not pretty: A source reports that KStew writes stuff like "I can't live without you," and "Are you alive? Do you hate me? Are you okay?" RPatz will respond: "Yes. No. Maybe." Meanwhile, Rupert Sad Trombone Sanders was spotted looking "really sad" while eating a pastrami sandwich in L.A. Sniffle. In Teen Mom news, Catelynn says growing up, "I pretty much saw my mom drunk almost every day." Which is why: "If my mom derails again, I will step in and adopt my brother." Nick, her half-brother, is six, poor sap. At least Catelynn has a good head on her shoulders. Hey, remember the 90s? Well Jennie Garth Kelly Taylor is getting through her divorce from Dr. Carlisle Cullen with the help of Dylan McKay. Last, but not least: Snooki's baby shower was, in a word, leopardy. (Fig. 2)
Grade: D- (deadly nightshade)


This Week In Tabloids: Taylor Swift Will Soon Be Taylor Kennedy and Is Already Dressing Like Jackie O.S

Life & Style
"Wedding of the Century"
Good news, you guys: Princess Jennifer was rescued by her knight in skinny lapels when he "erased the unlucky-in-love label that the star had been forced to bear for years" by proposing to her. But you know what's really important: Competition. A "good friend" of Jen's shares that "Jen doesn't want to get married the same time as [Brad and Angelina] do… If anything, Jen wants to get married before them." But alas, Jen just can't win. Angelina's wedding will feature a few decorations that Jen's just won't: Children. The fact that the Jolie-Pitt kids will be a part of their parents' wedding will "be a knife in the heart for Jen. After all, she's made her desire for kids clear but doesn't have an army of ring bearers and flower girls to accompany her down the aisle." Her life is ruined! Meanwhile, Kristen Stewart wants RPatz back and has taken to writing Rob hand-written love letters. KStew puts all the blame on Rupert Sanders, her partner in lip-locking crime, "acting like the victim who was seduced by a creepy older man." Next up, Katie Holmes is being stalked by her own creepy old man. Insiders suggest that though she and Tom Cruise are in the midst of a divorce, he still keeps tabs on her, via their daughter Suri. Suri is now Tom's personal Siri, allowing him to keep track of Katie's schedule, comings and goings through the phone conversations that he arranges with her daughter. Bachelorette Alum Trista Sutter wants you to know: "Plastic Surgery Made Me Love My Body." Three months before turning 40 years old and becoming a pile of dust and eyelashes, she decided to fix her "deflated" boobs and "droopy" eye. (Fig. 3) Lastly, as you may know, Gwen Stefani has admitted that she gets her rocking bod from "torturing" herself. But the piece here is paired with a sidebar about celebrities who eat pizza, cupcakes and shun the gym yet remain super svelte. Torture, indeed! (Fig. 4)
Grade: D+ (poison ivy)


This Week In Tabloids: Taylor Swift Will Soon Be Taylor Kennedy and Is Already Dressing Like Jackie O.S

Us
"Getting Married!"
"She never gave up on love," reads the dek on the piece about how Jennifer Aniston — gasp! — said yes when Justin Theroux asked her to marry him. And she promptly cried. The proposal was "simple," and happened at Blue Hill, a West Village restaurant J'Anthrax frequents. Apparently Justin knew that Jen was uneasy about getting hitched again — and worried she might say no — but he's the right guy and there's just so much love and so on. The atmosphere of their wedding "will be the feeling of a vacation, since that's their favorite thing to do." Cuz, you know, working a 12 shift at the hospital is grueling and these people don't ever get to see sunshine! Also, despite JT's "biker" look — he belongs to a motorcycle club called Die Fast — he's actually just a nice writerly guy who dotes on his girlfriend. He went to Bennington, for crissakes. Also inside: Taylor Swift is slowly morphing into Jackie Kennedy. And things are going so well with her Kennedy boyfriend that it just seems like a done deal, in a way: Touch football on the lawn, sunset sailing with gin and tonics, vehicular manslaughter, the whole shebang! (Fig. 5) Lady Gaga is telling her friends that smoking hot werewolf Taylor Kinney is "The One." Roswell fans, be advised: Shiri Appleby is engaged. And! She'll have an arc on the upcoming season of Girls. Kanye and Kim were in Hawaii recently — Yeezy is recording there — and they were "low-key" as they served themselves at the buffet table in the hotel. Although later Kanye rented a $300,000 convertible Ferrari to drive around in, so. Brad and Angelina's wedding will take place in the next few weeks, sez a source, at the chapel on their property in France. Small ceremony — 50 people — and George Clooney is not invited. Angelina wants it to be "simple," and plans on wearing a slipdress and having wildflowers in her hair, picked from the countryside. Their chef will whip up some food. In a shocking TWIST!, they're technically already married, according to an "insider." They've filled out civil paperwork in France. Vive La Brangelina! Finally, you'll be interested to know that Cosmopolis — aka the Robert Pattinson Project — has been awarded one star out of four in the esteemed movie review section of Us. Ouch.
Grade: C (ragweed)


This Week In Tabloids: Taylor Swift Will Soon Be Taylor Kennedy and Is Already Dressing Like Jackie O.S

Star
"Outrageous Celebrity Demands!"
Honestly, guys, most of these demands are not that outrageous. Angelina Jolie having Brad Pitt's car shipped to where she's shooting is like, whatever, I mean, is Brad Pitt gonna drive a rental car for three months? But some of the more scandalous claims: Britney Spears insists that all the people working for her on the set of X Factor be unattractive. One time in Aspen, Mariah Carey offered each person in the hot tub $100 to get out, so she could have it to herself. Catherine Zeta-Jones travels with a metric shit ton of luggage. And Kim Kardashian spent $100K on a self-flushing toilet. Nothing you yourself wouldn't do if you were raking the dough, boy. And this item about Adele "refusing" to use "low-quality" pens and insisting on Sharpies? If that makes her a diva than so is everyone who ever needed to write something, found the pen didn't work and tried scribbling circles in the back of a notebook while whispering shhhit! Moving along! Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield are in love, but instead of getting married, they're helping each other find great movie roles, which is cool. From the Dept. of Shut Up If It Ain't Broke Don't Fix It comes the stupid story "Johnny Depp Needs A New Look." (Fig 6) An eyewitness sold a story to the mag called "Kendall Nearly Killed Me!" which is about how the 16-year-old Jenner and Kardashian sister was all over the road, texting while driving, tsk tsk. Eva Mendes wants to have a bébé, but Ryan Gosling believes in marriage before kids, so Eva is considering proposing to him. Proposing to Ryan Gosling. Possibly on their one-year anniversary in September. Epic. Kanye West told Jay-Z that he thinks Kim Kardashian is a "keeper," and Hova said man, put a ring on it. Marry her. Expect shit to go HAM any day now. J'Anthrax report: Justin asked Jen to marry him after she gave him an ultimatum; he was spotted out on the town with a blonde, insisted she was just a friend and that he was totes in love with Jen; she said "PROVE IT!" and he did a "ton of groveling" that ended in a proposal in a public place. Happily evarrrr after. The critique of Jessica Simpson's body never ends, and here, it's cloaked in a pseudo-revelation: The reason JSimp isn't thin yet is because she might be pregnant again. "Jessica's figure looks nowhere near its old form," reports the mag, and "sources" believe she "may be" expecting again. Two gynecologists who have never even seen her vagina agree that it is POSSIBLE that she is pregnant. Science. Finally: Demi Moore wants to adopt because her entire family has shunned her but she's probably too messy to get approval.
Grade: C+ (dandelion)


Addendum

This Week In Tabloids: Taylor Swift Will Soon Be Taylor Kennedy and Is Already Dressing Like Jackie O.S

Fig. 1, from Ok!

This Week In Tabloids: Taylor Swift Will Soon Be Taylor Kennedy and Is Already Dressing Like Jackie O.S

Fig. 2, from In Touch

This Week In Tabloids: Taylor Swift Will Soon Be Taylor Kennedy and Is Already Dressing Like Jackie O.S

Fig. 3, from Life & Style

This Week In Tabloids: Taylor Swift Will Soon Be Taylor Kennedy and Is Already Dressing Like Jackie O.

Fig. 4, from Life & Style

This Week In Tabloids: Taylor Swift Will Soon Be Taylor Kennedy and Is Already Dressing Like Jackie O.S

Fig. 5, from Us

This Week In Tabloids: Taylor Swift Will Soon Be Taylor Kennedy and Is Already Dressing Like Jackie O.S

Fig. 6, from Star