In a seeming effort to figure out just how depraved and pathetic sports fans truly are, Puma commissioned researchers at Bristol University to figure out whether fans of soccer team Newcastle United care more about their team or their wives/girlfriends. The study didn't bother with female subjects because, as everyone knows, contact sports are strictly for schlubby, inconsiderate misogynists who spend weekend afternoons zonked out in front of flatscreen TVs the size of basketball courts.
To really figure out what these male soccer fans cared about most, researchers hooked up some electrodes to their tootsies (that's science-speak for feet) and asked them to cut up pictures of their SOs and team pictures of Newcastle United. Then, showing test subjects how truly little respect they had for them, researchers asked the men to stick pins in one of two voodoo dolls representing both Newcastle's best player and their SO. In case you think this isn't a reliable way to gauge a sports fan's true allegiances, consider that sports fans — the really pathetic, I-can't-wear-my-jersey-because-it's-bad-luck fans — are some of the most superstitious people ever, some of who would seriously consider performing small animal sacrifices if they were just sixty percent certain that it would help their team win.
Before the study, participants had told researchers that they loved their SOs and Newcastle about equally, but the study revealed that, subconsciously, these guys all loved their wives/girlfriends waaaaay more (as much as five times more) than a soccer team whose members couldn't give two fucks about the beer-crazed denizens shouting inaudible anthems from the nosebleed section.