Spongebob, the 33-Pound Cat-Daddy of Cuddles, Dies of a Broken Heart

Ever since Meow, the 39-pound shelter cat from Santa Fe, made his media debut and died all in the span of just a few weeks, the world has mourned the loss of one of its largest and least evasive cuddle monsters. This is why it pains me to bring you yet more sad fat-cat news — Spongebob, the 33-pound tabby that the Post grossly claims “titillated New Yorkers earlier this summer,” has died of complications from an inoperable heart growth.

Doctors — as in, a team of — discovered the growth two weeks ago, but really couldn’t operate on Spongebob because of how enormous he was. It’s a shame, too, because ol’ Spongy was starting to get in shape (I heard he was doing P90X) and had lost three pounds, dropping down to a lean 30.

Meanwhile, China’s Communist party is caught in the middle of a huge political crisis and the European monetary union is teetering on the brink of ruin, two seemingly unimportant world happenings when one considers how lustily Spongebob would have purred (Spongebob has asthma) if he could have been scratched and petted by all of his many admirers.