Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we head to the newsstands and spend actual American dollars on printed matter, in an attempt to find out how painful this week’s editions of In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star are. This week: Tom Cruise is lavishing money and vacations on daughter Suri; Katy Perry and John Mayer can’t keep their paws off of each other; and Kris Jenner is promising Kanye West that he will make heaping truckloads of cash if he marries Kim Kardashian. Pimptastic!
Ok!
“Showdown.”
When the cover claims “inside the face-to-face meeting Rob has been waiting for!” what it means is: Robert would like to meet with Rupert Sanders, look him in the eye, and say “you ruined my life.” But he has not. Yet. Rob has “speeches prepared in his head” and yadda yadda yadda. Moving on! Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher’s romantic getaway in Bali is action-packed: Mila is “a bit of a tomboy” so she doesn’t like posing in her bikini. She likes surfing, parasailing, hiking, horseback riding and scuba diving. Boy stuff. Meanwhile, both Mila and Ashton’s exes are in crisis: Demi Moore and Macaulay Culkin are a mess. Finally, Katy Perry and John Mayer are planning on making “all kinds of music together — in every sense of the word.” Meaning: Sexxxxx.
Grade: F (piercing, crippling back spasms)
Life & Style
“I Can’t Trust Anyone.”
The cover claim: “the first interview since Kristen cheated.” The story inside: “I just can’t trust anyone” is a quote from an RPatz interview conducted a day before Kristen and Rupert Sanders were caught embracing. So many lies! Also inside: Katy Perry’s friends are worried about her relationship with John “The Player” Mayer, who has “hurt everyone he’s dated” and “likes to date then dump girls.” A “friend” of the couple says: “I promise it will end badly.” Friendship! What else? Natalie Portman’s “wedding album” is just three blurry paparazzi pictures taken through some bushes. Don’t be fooled. Tom Cruise is trying to “buy” Suri’s love, taking her to Disney World, dropping cash on toys and a Little Mermaid costume, flying her on private jets, etc. Meanwhile, Katie rents an apartment and does her own laundry. (Fig. 1) During a backstage interview on August 3, Jennifer Lopez was asked to name one thing that made her fall for Casper Smart. “She looked away and muttered, ‘I don’t know. I don’t remember.'” DUN DUN DUN. Kim and Kanye have been together for about four months and have already spent $4 million dating: Dinners, hotel rooms, private jets, cars, sailing, drinks, outfits, tickets to Lakers games. Final thought, from Dita von Teese: “I dye my own hair, with dye from a box! I Like Garnier. I prefer to do it myself.”
Grade: D- (deep paper cut slice between the fingers)
In Touch
“Forgetting Mommy Already?”
Little known fact: Traveling to Disney World wipes children of their memories! Mickey Mouse ears are actually transmitters that target the frontal lobe. No, but seriously, this story purports that Tom Cruise took Suri to Disney World, where he showered her with gifts, including a Little Mermaid costume that she was allowed to wear all day. He yearns to be the “fun parent,” so they also maybe spent the night in the Cinderella Suite. Oh, and again, money is the difference between Katie and Tom: He takes Suri to Disney, Katie takes her to the Bronx Zoo. He gives her helicopter rides; Katie gives her cab rides. Meanwhile, “lonely Katie stays strong.” Epic bullshit. Also inside: Kim Kardashian has quit taking birth control. She is ready to have babies with Kanye West and he is ready to make them. Marriage? Nah. But they are “actively trying to have a baby,” and “all their friends and family know.” Teresa from RHONJ will be humiliated by her husband (again?) on an upcoming episode; he takes a secret phone call and then says, “here comes my bitch wife. She’s such a cunt.” And it’s all caught on camera, because America is doomed. Rob Pattinson is making secret phone calls to Kristen Stewart, but apparently, just like in high school, no one really says anything: “There’s a lot of dead silence on the phone,” says a “pal” who is the kind of trusted friend who listens in on people’s phone calls. Jennifer Lopez is having trouble deciding whether or not to break up with Casper Smart — maybe we should start calling him Casper Dumb? — because he was photographed going into a sex shop. “Her taste in men is awful,” says a person who we’ll call Duh. Moving along: Matt Lauer is threatened by Ryan Seacrest, and frustrated that Ryan has fans hanging around the Olympics set, because he feels that he’s a real newsman and Ryan is just “silly and pop culture.” Someone send Matt a Bob Dylan mp3, quick. Finally, “They Don’t Need All That Makeup” Is a harrowing look at the dangers of eyeshadow. (Fig 2)
Grade: D (broken toe with cracked, splintered toenail)