Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we grade the gossip from In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Us earns an A+, for printing photographs and an eyewitness account of Kristen Stewart kissing and embracing director Rupert Sanders at various locations in L.A. The other so-called news — Kim K's diet; Suri's daddy issues — just pales in comparison. Okay, it is exciting that Michelle Williams and Jason Segel are engaged. But still. We grade on a curve. Let's get right to it, shall we?
"7 Lbs In 7 Days"
Would you like to know the secrets of Kim Kardashian's "super-fast slimdown"? No gluten, sugar, or dairy. Also that Quick Trim stuff. Yawn. Also inside: Demi Moore's kids have been bad-mouthing her, which Bruce Willis finds unacceptable, yippe ki yay. Teen Mom's Jenelle is back together with America's favorite "drfter," Kieffer Delp. Emma Roberts's new boyfriend is American Horror Story's Evan Peters. Emily The Bachelorette is not going away just because her show ended: She and her giant veneers want to have a TV career. Talk show, for starters. Last, but not least, Katie Holmes was seen scribbling in a notebook so the story is all about her "SECRET DIARY" and how she "spills her emotions" onto the page. But, you know, she could have been writing down a Jamba Juice order.
Grade: F (grounded for a month)
Life & Style
"The Worst Week Of My Life."
That cover line is not a direct quote from Kourtney, but you knew that. Scott Patrick Bateman Disick is "humiliating" Kourtney Kardashian "again" by partying while she is home with a newborn. Okay, sure. As long as he doesn't put on a vinyl raincoat, switch on some Phil Collins and pull out the old chainsaw. Also inside: Demi Moore is seeing Martin Henderson, a hot actor who was in a Britney video, used to be Heath Ledger's roommate, and is hot. The story about Emily The Bachelorette's "secret prenup" with Jef With One F is really just a story about how fucking rich they both are. Jef owns People Water, drives a $110K Audi, his dad is a multimillionaire — a board member of the World Financial Group — and the house he grew up in has nine bedrooms, a pool and a mini-golf course. Her father owns several coal mines. Just set me on fire now, why don't you? Last, but not least: Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudeikis have moved in together; he just bought a $3 million place in Soho, which is spittin' distance from the Gawker office, so we'll keep our eyes peeled.
Grade: F (detention for a week)
"I Want To Live With Daddy."
Suri's life is messy right now, and Christ, imagine being a child whose parents are getting divorced and seeing your face and these words on a newsstand? Or how she will feel about it when she is 15? Or 25? Anywhoozle. Suri cried on a Delta flight from Detroit to New York and a fellow passenger heard her say she wanted to be with Daddy. Ugh, can we move on? Can we talk about something less heartbreaking? Like how Hank Jr. is my new curly hair inspiration? (Fig. 1) In Bachelorette news, Emily's first choice was Arie, but he dumped her, and producers had to persuade him to make it look like she rejected him. Demi Moore went hiking in a remote area with her new man, Martin Henderson, who is hot, and "felt comfortable enough to squat behind a tree and relieve herself." Which brings up two questions: 1. If you are hiking with a new man, are you supposed to HOLD your pee? 2. Who is the source on this, the tree? Moving along, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino gives an exclusive interview to the mag in which he reveals that he knew he had to quit painkillers while watching a Brittany Murphy movie on TV. He describes his epiphany thusly: "All of a sudden, I was like, 'Wait, didn't she die on prescription painkillers? That could be me… Am I going to be that guy that was so awesome on the Jersey Shore and then… that's it?" Sitch, here's a grenade for ya: With or without drugs (and definitely without the "so awesome"), you will still be "that guy that was on Jersey Shore and then that's it." Real talk. Here's a new take on skinny stars: "Has Dieting Ruined Their Looks?" For Ali Larter, Jada Pinkett Smith, Ashley Greene, Jennifer Hudson, Anne Hathaway, Ali Lohan, and Fiona Apple, the answer, according to a "celebrity diet expert" who has never worked with any of the stars in the story, the answer is: Yes. (Fig. 2)
Grade: D- (write "that guy that was so awesome" 5000 times)
"I Want To Live With Daddy!"
Déja vu headline, much? Hmm, In Touch? The story here is similar: Suri looooves her father, and vice versa. An undercover reporter spied on Tom and Suri in the pool at the Greenwich Hotel, and — shocker — he acted like a doting dad. Katie wants the three of them to see a family counselor, but Tom says no — we all know how he feels about shrinks. Let's move on. Jessica Simpson is having "secret" chocolate "binges" blares a headline, but the source says "sometimes she feels like she needs to reward herself." Is a chocolate bar a "binge" now? Also, fuck this kind of reporting. (Fig. 3) Finally: Michelle Williams and Jason Segel are engaged. It happened during Comic-Con. She was there to promote Oz: The Great and Powerful and Jason was watching Matilda in Brooklyn. But Jason and Matilda secretly flew to San Diego, where he arranged to have Michelle's hotel suite covered in purple flowers — her favorite color. When Michelle came back to the room, she found Matilda on the bed holding a lavender bouquet with a note from Jason attached. It said, "Will you marry me?" All together, now: Awwwww.
Grade: D (sit facing the corner for an hour wearing a dunce cap)
"Kristen Cheats On Rob!"
Sometimes the tabloids come through with gossip gold, and this is it: Photographs and an eyewitness account of Kirsten Stewart groping and kissing and embracing Rupert Sanders, the 41-year-old married director of Snow White and the Huntsman. There are seven photographs of Sanders and Stewart, and they are not Photoshopped. It's real. A photographer followed Kristen's car as she and Rupert "spent the afternoon driving around L.A. in search of secluded places to make out." At each stop, "he was all over her." Five days later, she showed up with her boyfriend at the Teen Choice Awards. The photog spotted Kristen near her home, followed her to a "rundown neighborhood," and saw her park her Mini Cooper in the back lot of a deserted building. He waited, and 15 minutes later, Sanders got in her car and started kissing her, all over her body. (Fig. 4a, b). But then they got paranoid and drove to a different location — Pacific View Trail — where they embraced some more in the parking lot, slouched down in the car. Eventually they got out and went to a lookout point to embrace (as seen in the inset photo on the cover). They got nervous about people hiking by, and when they would hear a voice, they would split up and walk in different directions. But then they went back to the car and kissed for another 20 minutes before KStew drove Sanders back to his neighborhood, dropping him three blocks from the house he shares with his wife and kids. (Aside: Sanders's wife, Liberty Ross, was also in Snow White and The Huntsman, as Snow White's mom. She recently Tweeted, "Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." and then "Wow," and then deleted her Twitter account. Yikes.) All I can say is, some stalkerazzi got PAID. For real. Also in this issue: This Thing Looks Like That Thing, Younger/Older edition (Fig. 5). Katy Perry was spotted holding hands and cuddling with John Mayer. Dating would be disastrous, but maybe she was asking him if he ever feels like a plastic bag? Finally, Emily The Bachelorette played hide the sausage with Arie Luyendyk, despite claiming on-air that she wouldn't have an overnight date in the fantasy suite. When Arie found out he wasn't going to get the final rose, he stormed off of the set, screaming, "You just slept with me!" A source adds: "It wasn't shown on TV." No shit! We would actually tune in for that kind of dramz.
Grade: A+ (honor roll)
Fig. 1, from In Touch
Fig. 2, from In Touch
Fig. 3, from Star
Fig. 4b, from Us
Fig. 5, from Us