Justin Bieber Harnesses The Hysterical Power of Tweens to Create a Thirteen-Year-Old Pop Star

It’s such a tragedy. You were only just purging the final remnants of that monstrous earworm “Call Me Maybe” from your system and already Justin Bieber — that devious little vanilla wafer — is back with a whole new pixie-faced brunette for us to lose our Silly Bandz over. (Carly Rae Jepson, according to the Bieber camp, has been sent to live on a farm in the country where she’ll have plenty of space to run around.)

And who is Baby Biebs rousing his tween rabble over this time? Why, it’s Madison Beer, a 13-year-old YouTube star who, if you look closely enough, is literally paper mache’d out of one hundred dollar bills. On Tuesday, Bieber tweeted a video of Beer singing Etta James’ “At Last” and already, merely a day later, the dispatch has garnered over 20-thousand retweets. Via Twitter, Bieber also sent videos of Beer singing to Bruno Mars and the ~~late~~ newly relocated Jepson, causing those videos to go equally viral. Beer has responded to the hoopla in her native tween language, saying, “OMGWAHHHHOOOGHHAAAAHHH,” which anthropologists believe translates roughly to “Many thanks to Mr. Bieber for sharing my work.”

Bieber, who, as a zygote, launched his own career on YouTube, seems to have recognized Madison as a kindred spirit, saying that her postings, “Remind me of my old videos.” That’s not where the similarities end. The two — with their baby glows, shiny hair and unsettlingly confident eye contact — look a lot alike. Could we be so lucky that Madison Beer is actually Justin Bieber’s trans alter ego and we are about to embark on a very exciting and more artistic leg of his career? Because then we’d be interested.