The Real Economic Issue at Stake This Election Cycle Is Lemonade Stands, Obviously

The congressional race in Florida’s 9th District took a turn for the macabre recently when Mark Oxner, one of four Repooblicans hoping to serve the public good, released a campaign ad that envisioned a dystopian future in which Democratic rival Alan Grayson “and his progressive cronies,” eradicate all of America’s homespun charm, starting with the very cornerstone of American capitalism: the entrepreneurial lemonade stand.

Though Oxner’s ad — “The Future of Lemonade Stands” — certainly isn’t the only grim portent to come from the GOP auguries, it offers some particularly frantic warnings. The ad opens in 2013 (or, if this were a poorly conceived sci-fi movie, “the not so distant future”) with a little girl sitting next to her grandmother. They’re enjoying a little flip-through a photo album of the wonderful things in America that liberals have destroyed as the grandmother soberly explains,

Children used to make lemonade to sell on the street to have fun and make a little bit of money. Until Alan Grayson and his progressive cronies made it impossible for anyone to start a new business, even little children just having fun on a Sunday afternoon.

Other things Grayson and those insidious liberal Siths will ruin include hunting (because they’re going to outlaw guns) and Florida’s tourism (because in the future no one will have gasoline and riding a bike all the way to Florida is haaaaard). Despite all the grim foretellings of a Floridian future overrun by Burmese pythons (which is something bad that is actually happening in Florida as we speak) and the impotent marksmen who can’t kill them, the ad ends on a cheery note with a call for voters to “Save the Future,” along with a picture of Alan Grayson holding a gun to a “terrified voter.”

Grayson previously served one term in 2009 while representing a different Florida district. He ran for another term, but was defeated by his Republican challenger. The newly drawn 9th District is thought to be more friendly to Democratic candidates, or at least those candidates who aren’t running around setting lemonade stands on fire. However, before you lament the extinction of lemonade stands (which is what I’m sure you’re doing right this very moment after learning of the apocalyptic future sketched by Mark Oxner), maybe we should all reconsider the lemonade stand’s viability. What are we really teaching kids by letting them build little drink bars without any permits or licenses? All kids learn from lemonade stands is that, with a few plaintive cries of, “Lemonade!” and some misspelled signs, they can strongarm guileless adults into buying Dixie cups of their shitty, poorly proportioned Country Time lemonade, which, by the time it’s actually pawned off on someone for the inflated price of $5, is roughly the same temperature as urine straight from the bladder.

Image via Morgan Lane Photography/Shutterstock.