Ann Romney Thinks Obama Wants to Kill Her Beloved Mitt

Some of you might have thought that President Obama has been campaigning by trying to tell people what he wants to do with this country, but if you believe what Ann Romney has to say about his strategy, it turns out he’s actually secretly been trying to convince us to not vote for Mitt Romney. Bananas!

Ann elaborated on this during a friendly chat with CBS. She referred to a report from last year that had Obama saying they “will have to kill Romney” to win the election. Obama’s advisor David Axelrod called the story “garbage” and he also, hilariously, pledged to fire anyone who called Romney “weird.” But Ann is convinced Obama still has it out for her hubster:

I feel like all he’s doing is saying, “Let’s kill this guy,” And I feel like that’s not really a very good campaign policy. I feel like Mitt’s got the answers to turn this country around. He’s the one that’s got to bring back hope for this country, which is what they ran on last time. But the truth is, this is the one that has the hope for the – for America.

Ann may have a lot of feelings on this matter, but she’s no wimp. When talking about Obama’s “plan” to kill Romney, she gets tough and threatens, “Not when I’m next to him, you better not.” OH, SNAP! Meanwhile, she does realize that there are members of her own party who really literally do talk about killing Obama, right?

Either way, even if it were true that Barack was on the hunt, Mitt would have nothing to worry about because he can just build himself a shield—or an ark! or a missile! or an SUV to strap Obama to!—out of all the cash he’s raising. He reportedly raked in more than 100 million dollars in June, which is probably like pocket lint to him. He’s about to get even more from his new best friend David Koch, one half of the notorious Koch brothers who secretly dictate elections in this country using puppet strings spun from gold. Romney has made nice with the gazillionaire in hopes that he will sprinkle some of his pixie money on him, and lo and behold it’s finally happening: David and his wife are throwing a $50,000 a head fundraiser for Mittens in Southampton this weekend. David and his bro Charles previously supported Herman Cain’s candidacy, if that tells you anything about their judgment. Anyway, the point is that Mitt has money coming out of his eyeballs, and if Barack tries to hurt him by calling him “weird” or otherwise, he can just blind people in a shower of hundred dollar bills until they forget what they were even talking about and remember that Mitt is a wacky guy who loves to prank the common people by pretending he’s one of them and then totally fucking them over with his policies. See? Fun, not weird. FUN NOT WEIRD.