Government Agency Destroys Our Dreams by Revealing That Mermaids Aren’t Real

Here’s some sad news, you guys: Mermaids don’t actually exist. I know, I know, we’ve spent all that time that Splash was a documentary, but no, mermaids are nothing but a figment of our collective imagination. How do we know (except for, you know, already knowing)? Because the National Ocean Service, a part of the federal agency the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, has officially said so on their website. Here, you can read the cold, hard truth for yourself:

But are mermaids real? No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found.

Why did the government feel the need to address this burning question at this exact moment? It appears to be in response to a show that Animal Planet recently aired called Mermaids: The Body Found, in which they looked at whether there is “a kernel of truth that lives beneath the legend of the mythic mermaid.” (Hint: no.) This seems to have caused the NOS to get some questions about the existence of the half-woman, half-sea creatures, and so they helpfully provided us all with the truth. As heartbreaking as it may be to give up on the illusion that somewhere a real Ariel is married to a charming Disney prince, we’ll just have to face facts and move on with our lives. Let’s just hope that next week the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service doesn’t issue a statement revealing that centaurs don’t exist, because that would just be too much to handle.