Hey, ladies! Know what's hard? Besides math and dicks? Grilling. Luckily, the Pork Information Bureau (which is a really a thing that exists) has released a helpful guide for women who are looking at big pieces of raw meat and they're all like "Huh?" this outdoor cooking season. Fire up your yogurt stilettos, gals! It's about to get stereotypical in here!
One of the most annoying things about being a biological female (besides getting my period all over everything — including my dreams — and having to wash it all in peroxide), is the fact that I forget how to cook when I'm not physically inside a kitchen. It's something scientists call "that old hearth magic," and unless a woman (sorry, "broad") is near her mothership, the oven, her brain stops being able to recall life skills she probably already has taught herself to do as a matter of course. Besides, everyone knows that men are the only ones who know how to grill, because cavemen discovered fire, not cavewomen, because cavewomen were busy getting dragged around by their hair and picking berries.
Grill Power! A Girl's Guide to Grilling presents grilling in a way that's easy for lobotomized dames to understand. It's styled like something you might find on your local bookstore's BEACH READS or BOOKS FOR HER! table, with writing that's curvy (like fallopian tubes, which women are driven by instinct to be drawn to because: babies! Babies forever!) and a stylized cartoon of a thin woman sassily holding a pair of tongs like she's about to tell you the secret to the perfect calorie free mangotini and/or complain about men as a population bloc. As long as you have pork and your girlfriendz, you don't need him, honey.
Grill Power is stuffed full of the sort of knowledge that a Cosmo writer on the verge of a psychotic break would feel compelled to pass on before lapsing into a state of endless, maniacal laughter. Grill, girls. Grill like your womanhood depends on it.
Grill Power urges women to think of grilling as the "little black dress" of cooking, which is extra helpful for ladybrains, since they can only understand analogies that compare stuff to fashion. (Tangent, though: What's the feathered headdress of cooking? Does this mean I should grill at funerals? Answers please, Pork Information Bureau.) In addition to being terribly empowerful, grilling pork will also help women become a "VIP on the grilling scene," which I assume consists of a people getting bottle service behind a velvet rope that's actually made of sausages. I know what you're thinking — can moms grill, too? Of course moms can grill; moms are like regular ladies but with spunkier hair and more concerned facial expressions. Not only can mothers grill, but if a mom grills, she will become "one hot mamma." Nothing like giant slabs of meat on an open outdoor fire to get your kids to think you're sexy again.
But now that ladies be grilling and shopping and shopping for grills, how should they best prepare their pork? Sexily, of course. The Pork Information Bureau suggests a lady who wants to grill pork like a dude learn to "rub it right" (like a penis) with something called "Spice Girls Rub."
Men don't need to be left out in the cold while you have all the sexy grill fun, lobotomized surburbabot target audience of
Grill Power! In fact, the pamphlet goes out of its way to remind ladies that it's important to let men play with the meat, too, lest they feel castrated by their grillmaster VIP hot mama pork grillimatrix of a wife.
Boys Allowed, Too While women across the country are catching "grill fever," men have not abandoned their grilling tongs. The grilling throne doesn't have to be dominated by one or the other. Instead, gather 'round the grill with your guy to share duties. Experiment with different grilling techniques and learn from one another.
What the shit is this? Marriage is a compromise?
Anyway, in case your hubby-wubby bugle boy from Company B is exhausted by your attempts to sassily grill your way to empowerment, you can always have your girl friends over, as long as you decorate your backyard with a theme. (Here's a theme: I made you some food to eat.) But be careful — if you aren't cognizant of the fact that some ladies hate calories and won't drink things that aren't low-calorie cocktails, your grillstravaganza will cause you to lose friends over the fact that you're an insensitive jerk.
Anyway, ladies, if you were thinking about doing something interesting this summer, why learn how to grill pork with
Grill Power? It's like a tampon box! But instead of shoving this white piece of cotton into your vulvagina, shove this Other White Meat knowledge into your braingina. Bon Appétit!