FUCKIN' WOMP.

Ladies, we can't have it all, or shouldn't, or can, or should, or whatever the last trend piece on Having It All was did to contradict the six-months-ago trend piece before that, and the one before that, and the one before that. But, guys, "it all" doesn't have to be babies and a career and a husband. Here are my alternate intepretations of what "it all" could be.

Having...

  • Spaghetti and meatballs.
  • Seconds.
  • And then ice cream tempura!
  • A conniption.
  • ENOUGH.
  • An esoteric Twitter.
  • A heart, a brain, courage, and a slight concussion after being knocked out by a windowpane and fantasizing about running around the woods with two male anthropomorphic objects and one large, barrel-chested male anthropomorphic cat.
  • The last word.
  • A putt-putt course named after you, AM I RIGHT?
  • A juicer. Don't you wish you had one?
  • Integrity, while also maintaining a healthy sense of fun.
  • A finely reupholstered chair.
  • The Season 1 box set of Denis Leary's short-lived sitcom The Job.
  • Earrings to wear for special occasions.
  • A cat that flushes the toilet.
  • A lamb that says "Yeah."
  • A lamb that says "Yeah" in the background of an Usher song.
  • The smoking of a joint followed by the consumption of a box of Frosted Flakes.
  • A carton of cigarettes and an unlimited pass to yoga.
  • Instant Netflix that knows you well enough to suggest categories that are specific and dead-on (You might like Dark, Dysfunctional Fight-The-System Black Comedies With A Sardonic Female Star Who Has Similiar Bangs As You).
  • A Formica kitchen counter.
  • A flowerbox filled with weeds that you always mean to fix up but never do.