Here's the Best Birth Plan EverS

Some highlights from McSweeney's Internet Tendency's delightful "Jamie and Jeff's Birth Plan":

While we do not have a traditional "philosophy" of "childbirth," we have been heavily influenced by orthodox Wholefoodism and the "(d)well baby/good design" movement. We believe strongly in the power of the female body and a long-term night nurse. We are opposed to torture/gluten. In the event you are ever unsure how to proceed today, please ask yourself, "What Would Gwyneth Do?"

We would like mood lighting, like on Virgin America.

We would like to donate the placenta to the people of the Gulf Coast.

We ask that the baby be bathed in our presence, in the delivery room, in San Pellegrino.

In lieu of a traditional hospital gown, Jamie would prefer to be dressed like Zooey Deschanel in 500 Days of Summer.

We challenge even the most attachment parent-y parents to keep a straight face.

Jamie and Jeff's Birth Plan [McSweeney's Internet Tendency]

Image via Kiselev Andrey Valerevich /Shutterstock.