Hey, women. Were you wondering how you could be less of a terrible bitch so that someone will finally love you? Well, don't fret—the brain trust over at eHarmony has come up with a list of the top ten shittiest things about you, compiled by one "Grant Langston, Sr Director, Content." Because if there's one thing I know about people, it's that half of them are one way, while the other half of them are the other way. Oh, and gays don't exist. Enjoy!
1. "You see us as projects you can 'fix.'"
Women see potential. They see rough edges, and they want to sand them off. This makes us crazy. We don't want to change. We have chosen our car, hair, friends, home and hobbies because we enjoy them.
Yeah, great point! You're so right—no one in a serious relationship should ever have to compromise or change anything about themselves out of respect for their partner. Except for women, of course, who need to change the ten things in this list IMMEDIATELY or risk never being on the receiving end of Grant Langston, Sr Director, Content's directed content ever again.
2. "Your expectations are set by Hollywood and sky high."
They've been fed a fantasy about romance and passion for so long that when a REAL act of love comes down the pike, he notices that the tread on your tires is low and buys a new set, it hardly even registers.
SO SPECIFIC. IT'S ALL SO SPECIFIC. I'M SORRY YOU BOUGHT THAT UNGRATEFUL BITCH SOME TIRES, OKAY? I'm willing to accept that it's mostly my fault she didn't like your tires, but how's about we call it bygones at this point?
3. "You're always looking down the road."
Women tend to think about the next major step in life. Men tend to think about the next major meal...There is a female drive to get answers to questions like, "What ARE we?", "Are we exclusive yet?", "Are we going to get married?" that makes it seem like they aren't enjoying the now and only worry about the future.
This is a great one. Instead of planning ahead for the future, it's way sexier to live your life like a brine shrimp or mayfly—as far as you know, you're gonna die in the next 30 minutes so you should probably fuck real quick and then lay your eggs in some silt. For instance, this month—just to live in the now and be spontaneous—I spent my rent money on this disapproving fiberglass lion! I'm homeless now, but it's the caliente kind of homeless!
4. "You use your emotions as a weapon."
I suppose it isn't your fault that during an important conversation about the future of our relationship you start crying, but surely you understand that this derails the ability to pursue the issue at hand.
God, women, it's so fucking annoying and manipulative when you start crying all over the place, when all we were trying to do was say a bunch of stuff that makes you cry.
5. "You have a tendency to be critical."
I've tried to avoid the word n-a-g, but there seems to be some internal mechanism that makes women predisposed to criticism, in the same way that men are predisposed to seek their man cave.
Is there a Sr Sr Director of Content who could have directed Grant toward the fact that he's complaining about how women complain too much in an article called "Men's Ten Biggest Complaints About Women"?
6. "You like to play coy."
This game where you pretend you don't care and secretly hope we chase you down is for teenagers.
Grant Langston, I am so mad at you for dragging me into this "men do this/women do this" hacky bullshit barbecue, but MEN DO THIS WAY MORE THAN WOMEN DO THIS. Get your gender stereotypes straight—men are aloof, women are needy. Duh. Haven't you ever seen a fucking romantic comedy? This is a classic dude move—to pretend like you don't like someone so that they'll chase you but won't accidentally like you too much so that you can control the situation or whatever. (And uuuuuuuuuuugh, saying "classic dude move" goes against everything I stand for.) Also, I thought you were mad at us for not giving you enough time in your "man cave"! Do you want us to pay attention to you or do you want us to leave you alone? Plz respond ASAP because I really want this to work out between us.
7. "You fixate on what we're thinking, when you should be watching what we're doing."
You ask, "What are you thinking?" and we say, "Nothing." You figure this must be a lie, and decide that we aren't willing to communicate with you. The problem is, this is the wrong question to ask. We're action-oriented. You don't need to ask what we're thinking, just watch what we're doing. Coming home late every night? We're not happy at home. Uninterested in sex, probably crushed by stress. Not calling you back even though we said, "I love you?" We don't love you. You can save the questions about musings until you see a change in our behavior. That's the surest sign that something needs to be discussed.
I think my feelings on this one can best be summed up by disapproving fiberglass lion.
8. "You don't understand and/or like our need for alone time."
If she loves him she should know that he NEEDS this time on the golf course. It's his passion. It's his release. Without it he will burn up with anxiety and frustration over life's little indignities. Why does she get involved with a man who has a hobby she doesn't like? See "You see us as projects you can fix."
Again, so specific. So, so, so specific.
9. "You have a complicated set of double standards."
I could write a novel on this one. We only need look at the example of going dutch on a first date. You offer to split the check, and if we let you, you hold it against us. Really? You demand, quite rightly, to be in on all important relationship decisions, yet when we take you out and ask, "What would you like to do tonight?" you are angry that we haven't taken charge of the situation. It's a confusing set of double standards and antiquated rules that make it very difficult for us to know which move is the right one.
So...when you say "I could write a novel on this one"...are you thinking like magical realism? Is this a weird stream-of-consciousness surrealist thought experiment where dolphins grow on trees and ennui gets elected president? Because so far it's working. I am not following you at all.
10. "You want us to change, and then lose respect for us when we do."
I have a friend that met and married a woman who wasn't thrilled that he played in a band. She was a bit threatened by the attention he received and his time spent pursuing this. She told him, "I really wish you didn't play in this band," and because he loved her, he quit. Within a few months this woman was confiding to her friends, "I'm a little less attracted to him because he quit the band, and just did what I asked. Now, he just hangs out at home."
Just to sum up: The 10th thing that men hate most about women is Grant Langston, Sr Director, Content's one friend's bitchy girlfriend this one time. 'Kay. Curse you, Jennifer!!!
So, I'm pretty sure that this isn't "Men's Ten Biggest Complaints About Women"—it's "Man's Ten Biggest Complaints About Women." I don't know exactly what Mrs. Sr Director, Content did to provoke this level of disgruntlementation (although I do know it involved George Clooney, unsolicited tire replacement, golf-shaming, and who should pay for the burritos).But really, the main problem with most of these complaints isn't that they're unreasonable—it's that they're the kind of shitty things that all people do in relationships sometimes. There are no Women Things and Man Things—there are just People Things.
And if your conclusion is that women are people...then I guess this is like the most feminist article of all time. Woo hoo! Grant Langston, Sr Director of GIRL POWER!
Men's Ten Biggest Complaints About Women [eHarmony Advice]