If there was any doubt in your mind that state-level politicians had completely cannonballed of the end of a long pier and into Batshittery Bay, look no further than the Texas Republican Party's official platform. It's the sort of thing that Jon Stewart prays for. And, like many things that come out of Texas, it would be hysterically funny if it wasn't a collection of actual beliefs held by actual people in actual positions of power.
Let's start with the good news here — it's not all bad. The Texas GOP seems pretty intent on diminishing government power, on making it impossible for the President to declare war like how that one President from Texas sort of sent us to war without checking to make sure it was okay first.
But the rest of it is fucking insane. Here are some gems, and remember, this is the official platform of the Republican party of Texas.
Inasmuch as the Civil Rights Movement argued against using race as a factor in American life, affirmative action reintroduces race as a divisive force in American life. The Republican Party of Texas believes in equal opportunity for all citizens without regard to race or gender. To that end, we oppose affirmative action.
Martin Luther King, Jr already fixed all that racism crap! Let's never speak of it again!
Pollution and extinction, like racism, is another problem Republicans plan to solve by vehemently ignoring it.
We strongly oppose all efforts of the extreme environmental groups that stymie legitimate business interests. We strongly oppose those efforts that attempt to use the environmental causes to purposefully disrupt and stop those interests within the oil and gas industry. We strongly support the immediate repeal of the Endangered Species Act. We strongly oppose the listing of the dune sage brush lizard either as a threatened or an endangered species. We believe the Environmental Protection Agency should be abolished.
Fuck you, dune sage brush lizard. Fuck you in the lizard face.
And the Voting Rights Act? We're gonna get rid of that!
We urge that the Voter Rights Act of 1965 codified and updated in 1973 be repealed and not reauthorized.
But the crown jewel is its long, drawn out explanation of why gay marriage is icky and weird. Texas Republicans sure do think about hot man-on-man action a lot.
We support the definition of marriage as a God-ordained, legal and moral commitment only between a natural man and a natural woman, which is the foundational unit of a healthy society, and we oppose the assault on marriage by judicial activists. We call on the President and Congress to take immediate action to defend the sanctity of marriage. We are resolute that Congress exercise authority under the United States Constitution, and pass legislation withholding jurisdiction from the Federal Courts in cases involving family law, especially any changes in the definition of marriage. We further call on Congress to pass and the state legislatures to ratify a marriage amendment declaring that marriage in the United States shall consist of and be recognized only as the union of a natural man and a natural woman. Neither the United States nor any state shall recognize or grant to any unmarried person the legal rights or status of a spouse. We oppose the recognition of and granting of benefits to people who represent themselves as domestic partners without being legally married. We advocate the repeal of laws that place an unfair tax burden on families. We call upon Congress to completely remove the marriage penalty in the tax code, whereby a married couple receives a smaller standard deduction than their unmarried counterparts living together. The primary family unit consists of those related by blood, heterosexual marriage, or adoption. The family is responsible for its own welfare, education, moral training, conduct, and property.
And more on gays!
We affirm that the practice of homosexuality tears at the fabric of society and contributes to the breakdown of the family unit. Homosexual behavior is contrary to the fundamental, unchanging truths that have been ordained by God, recognized by our country's founders, and shared by the majority of Texans. Homosexuality must not be presented as an acceptable "alternative" lifestyle, in public policy, nor should "family" be redefined to include homosexual "couples." We believe there should be no granting of special legal entitlements or creation of special status for homosexual behavior, regardless of state of origin. Additionally, we oppose any criminal or civil penalties against those who oppose homosexuality out of faith, conviction or belief in traditional values.
They also think mothers are great, and think "the liberal assault on the family" is ruining fucking everything, yet they at no point mention providing any support to families nor do they speak of mandating maternity leave for moms. Firm slap on the ass and an "atta girl" is all mothers can hope to get from the Texas GOP.
But wait; there's more! The Texas GOP wants the government to be free to display religious (Christian, obvi; not like Muslim because *icky!*) symbols all over everything, and allow Church to say whatever they want without fear of losing their tax-exempt status. They also want to make American English the official language of Texas (so no fancy-talk, you snot-nosed Brits) and, of course, recognize life as something that begins at the moment of conception. They also want anti-abortion rights crisis pregnancy centers to be free to lie to women, fetal pain laws to be enacted, and the Morning After Pill to be banned on the grounds that it's "dangerous."
It's fun to laugh at how kooky these gun toting cowboy boots with suits wearing bolo tie enthusiasts think things should be, but it's not fun to think that these guys are in control of the second largest state by population. In 2008, 55% of the state's voters picked John McCain. A whole lot of Americans sincerely, honestly, truthfully believe this stuff, facts be damned.