Hallelujah! Secret Keeper Girl Is Here to Save Your Slatternly Trollop of a Preteen Daughter

Yo, have you seen your 8-12 year old daughter lately? The only reason I ask, the only reason I bring it up in so public a setting is that — well, I'm just gonna say it — your child is showing off parts of her child body that exclusively belong to her future adult husband and, frankly, she's coming off as a little slutty. I know what you're thinking — your daughter's a kid and she should be more preoccupied with going outside to play than she is with modesty or snagging the right kind of man for her baby bride marriage. Of course you would think that. You're the monster who taught her her wanton godless ways to begin with.

Luckily, your daughter — if she hasn't become a full-on street walker yet — has a great resource to combat your damning influence. Secret Keeper Girl is a website made for preteen girls and their mothers (though, frankly, it's too late for you — hand her over to CPS and call it a day) that teaches them how to save their secret magic lady bodies for the two most important men in their lives — the Lord Almighty and their husbands-to-be.

"You may be wondering," says the site, "What exactly is a Secret Keeper Girl anyway?" Haha, cool question, website. That's exactly what we are wondering. She's not called a "Tell Everybody Girl" for a reason.

Here's the official answer:

Well, she is lots of things! A Secret Keeper Girl values modesty, she surrounds herself with wise friends and she embraces Godly beauty. So, she keeps the deepest secrets of her beauty for just one man. But she also knows that she can share all of her heart secrets with her mom at any time. The coolest thing for you to know is that a Secret Keeper Girl is a masterpiece created by God.

Got that? A Secret Keeper Girl values modesty, not because looks aren't that important, but because looks are the most important. She is an object of intelligent design and therefore her body is not for her to show off as she likes, but for God to show off as He likes — and likey He does not.

Don't worry if you're totally lost. Secret Keeper Girl provides guidelines on how to dress appropriately as opposed to dressing like a toddler harlot. They've even made following the rules fun with the "Truth or Bare Fashion Test." Let's see how we do.

Hallelujah! Secret Keeper Girl Is Here to Save Your Slatternly Trollop of a Preteen Daughter

Test: Raise and Praise
Target Question: "Am I showing too much belly?"
Action: Stand up straight and pretend you are going for it in worship, and extend your arms in the air to God. Is this exposing a lot of belly? Bellies are very intoxicating, and we need to save that for our husband!

First, some real talk. I went through a period in college where I was intoxicated on bellies all the time, so this hits a little close home. During my junior and senior year, I would wake up everyday and look at bellies — mostly other people's, but the deeper I got the more I found myself staring at my own. At first, I laughed it off. I was still going to classes, still hanging out with my friends and talking with my family. I would lie to them about how much belly I was doing because maybe that made it easier to lie to myself. Eventually, though, I stopped going to classes and withdrew from my loved ones. Getting drunk on belly became the only thing I cared about. Finally, after I woke up from a four-day belly blackout, wearing only Christina Aguilera's costume from the "Genie in a Bottle" video, I realized that I had to stop denying my belly problem and check into belly-rehab. That blackout saved my life. I guess the reason I'm telling you this is to remind you that belly intoxication is no laughing matter.

Oh, and "going for it in worship" is Secret Keeper Girl code for blowjobs.

Hallelujah! Secret Keeper Girl Is Here to Save Your Slatternly Trollop of a Preteen Daughter

Test: I see London, I see France
Target Question: "Can you see my underpants?"
Action: Bend over and touch your knees. Have a friend look right at your bottom. Can she see the outline of your underpants or the seams in them? Can she see your actual underwear because your pants are so low that you are risking pulling a "plumber" exposure? If so, you bomb on this test.
Remedy: Wear white panties with white clothes.

Secret Keeper Girl as an organization is very against teen magazines like Seventeen, but it's obvious that no one involved has ever read them. If they had, they would know that wearing white underwear under white clothes is the exactly what you are not supposed to do if you don't want your underwear to show.

Hallelujah! Secret Keeper Girl Is Here to Save Your Slatternly Trollop of a Preteen Daughter

Test: Over & Out
Target Question: "Is my shirt too low?"
Action: Lean forward a bit. Can you see too much chest skin or future cleavage? Your shirt is too low.

"Future cleavage" is cleavage made from Tron landscape.

Hallelujah! Secret Keeper Girl Is Here to Save Your Slatternly Trollop of a Preteen Daughter

Test: Grandpa's Mirror
Target Question: "How short is too short?"
Action: Get in front of a full-length mirror. If you are in shorts sit criss-cross applesauce. If you are in a skirt, sit in a chair with your legs crossed. Now, what do you see in that mirror? Ok, Pretend it's your grandpa!

Okay!


By following the above rules, your (formerly) slutty daughter should be well on her way to becoming a Secret Keeper Girl. Keep in mind, it's best to embed these rules in her mind as early as possible. While, now, she may think that her body mainly as a tool for playing games of Red Rover, going swimming or having various forms of outdoor summertime fun, she needs to know that it is good for sex with her future husband and sex with her future husband only. While she might complain that the high-collared Victorian gowns you have chosen for her are hard to play in, remind her that, with a little bit of practice, Victorian girls were able to have fun outside and play sports as well. Oh — they weren't? She probably shouldn't be playing sports anyway. Feats of athleticism should be strictly reserved for God and the marriage bed. Amen.

[Christian Nightmares]