Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we get emotional about gossip from In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Johnny Depp is sobbing into his fedora; Miley Cyrus isn't eating; and the editors of In Touch admit they were swindled by the mother of Teen Mom's Catelynn.
"It's Baby Time!"
Someday, years from now, when nothing gets thrown away and we've solved the plastic pollution problems and ecology crises, and everything that doesn't disintegrate is recycled and renewable, a child will ask, "Mommy, what is garbage?" and the mother will show that kid a copy of Ok! magazine.
Grade: F- (glazed-eyed numbness)
Life & Style
"Secret Calls to Brad"
Emily has "that sinking feeling" that she "picked the wrong guy," according to sources we don't trust. The mag asks, "Is Brad The One for Emily after all?" And the answer is: WHO CARES. Also inside: Jessica Simpson's "struggle" to lose the baby weight will be a favorite topic for the next year or so, so get ready to keep hearing about her pedometer and portion control and eggs being the ideal protein. Demi Moore is so upset that Ashton Kutcher is boning Mila Kunis that it's throwing off her recovery process, says a "friend." Lastly: 47-year-old Countess LuAnn de Lesseps is planning on having a baby, and she'll turn to acupuncture to make it happen, although a sidebar on this story reads, "It's Never Too Late to Have Kids." The ORLY owl's head just spontaneously combusted.
Grade: D- (deep depression)
"Stabbed In The Heart"
Apparently, when the editors fell for a story about Catelynn being pregnant, they were being bamboozled by Catelynn's own mother. "My mom lied," Catelynn tells the mag. "I think it's because she has no money… so she's trying to sell her daughter." Basically, April Baltierra arranged for a family friend, Jamie, do to an interview about Catelynn's "pregnancy." Then April corroborated the story herself, and sent documentation from a doctor, claiming she'd gotten it from Catelynn. But the medical form was FAKED (see Fig. 1), and when the magazine called "Catelynn" to discuss the story, the woman on the phone was APRIL, according to an independent voice analysis by a private investigator. Catfish here! Get your catfish here! Anyway Catelynn says she will probably eventually have more kids, but first she wants to get married and travel to Paris "and stuff like that." Go girl. Although, we're curious: How much cash did April earn for hornswaggling In Toca? Also inside: "Plastic Surgery Regrets" features before and after pix of Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan, Megan Fox, and Rose McGowan (see Fig. 2a and 2b), teaching us all that, surprise, surprise, we looked better five years ago.
Grade: C+ (vein-poppingly angry)