Wouldn't We All Secretly Like to Turn the Tables on a TSA Agent?

Today in perversely satisfying news: A 59-year-old woman was going through security at Southwest Florida International Airport when she threw down her bags and theatrically groped a TSA supervisor's crotch. The woman, Carol Jean Price, says she was just demonstrating the aggressive groping she'd just received from a different TSA agent. That sounds weirdly...satisfying.

Price claims an agent grabbed her breasts and crotch during a screening at Southwest Florida International Airport, and that she was just demonstrating the aggressive treatment, when she was caught on camera.

"She did not touch the supervisor as intrusively as she was touched," Price's lawyer John Mills said, according to Florida ABC affiliate WZVN.

Yeah, says her lawyer! She didn't EVEN do it as bad as it got done to her! Plus, Price says, the groping she received was personal—she's a former TSA agent herself and was acquainted with her groper. And, as a former TSA agent, she's familiar with the standard pat-down procedure and this wasn't it. Price was removed from her flight (which, she implies, caused her to miss her brother's funeral) and faces misdemeanor battery charges. TSA claims that Price's original pat-down "was conducted correctly in accordance with our procedures."

Now. Obviously I don't have enough details to take a side here. The TSA agent could have been an intrusive creep or retaliating for some old slight; Price could be a crazy lady or just someone who snapped from frustration with airport security. Figuring that out is someone else's job.

But I do have to say, those TSA gropings are super intrusive and dehumanizing. I get pulled aside for them a lot, for some reason (I think because I generally have a pound of metal bobby pins in my hair), usually after they've already made me go through the stupid naked machine. If you've never gotten a pat-down, it goes like this: some lady you don't know takes her hands and then rubs all over your body, including your crotch and boobs. Then sometimes she gets a metal detector out and wands you, and then rubs you again. I don't freak out or anything—I mean, it's bearable, I'm a grown-up, I'm all for safety, I'm against profiling, and I get that the airport security people are just doing their jobs—but that doesn't mean I like a stranger searching my boobs for weapons like I'm committing a crime by just trying to get to my mom's surprise party. And the idea that I have to submit to a weird public fondling from a surly stranger for the privilege of doing this thing I paid $400 for just rubs me the wrong way. PUN INTENDED. OBVIOUSLY. (In case you didn't know, I'm a shapeshifter, except my only other shape is Andy Rooney.)

Because what does it even accomplish? How many vagina knives are they actually finding with their crotchal finger swipes? I went through airport security just a few days ago*, where I did the naked machine** and was patted down while my bags were x-rayed. When I finally got to my gate, I realized that I had accidentally left a full-sized pair of scissors and a razor in the front pocket of my purse. They went right through the x-ray machine, unnoticed, in a mostly empty bag. Good thing you guys checked me for exploding tampons, though!

Anyway, so what I'm saying is that I don't know what happened with that lady, maybe she totally batteried that TSA agent (and I am AGAINST BATTERY), but I can ever-so-slightly relate to the airport rage attack.

*I saw Stephen Hawking at the airport!!! I was hurrying to the security line, and a man in a motorized wheelchair and a huuuuuge entourage was blocking this narrow hallway, and I thought to myself, "What's with the entourage, buddy—who are you, Stephen Hawking?" And then I looked over and it was literally Stephen Hawking. He flies first class.

**Speaking of the naked machine, even though I am a 100-year-old coot when it comes to the groping, and I don't love going in the naked machine, I also don't give a shit about the naked machine. Like, when everyone was going nuts over the naked machine because they were convinced that the TSA employees were all going to be furiously masturbating at work? Like...you guys...I'm pretty sure the TSA employees are capable of finding ACTUAL pornography to masturbate to at work. They don't need a blurry hologram of your ghost-junk.