This Week in Tabloids: Drew Barrymore's Sad, Sexless Honeymoon

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we guzzle gossip from the goblets of In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, well, it's a slow fucking week in celebrity tabloidland. The covers are dominated by teen moms, that Bachelorette lady and the Kardashian Kids. Still, we managed to stick our straws in the corner of each cup and find some juice: Kim Kardashian had sex on a yacht with Kanye West while she was engaged to Kris Humphries; Anne Hathaway's fiancé Adam Shulman thinks she looks like a sickly boy now that she's dropped weight and cut her hair for Lay Miz; and Drew Barrymore might have had a hippy-dippy fairy-tale wedding, but her honeymoon was a quick trip to Tragicstan.


This Week in Tabloids: Drew Barrymore's Sad, Sexless Honeymoon

Life & Style
"Baby Joy & Drama!"
Unsolicited Uterus Updates: Khloé Kardashian is nervous and excited about fertility treatments. Tori Spelling is on bed rest. Anna Paquin is already planning for baby number 2, even though baby number 1 isn't due until the fall. Teen Mom's Catelynn is keeping her bump under wraps. Gisele is obsessed with staying thin as her fetus grows, and Kim Zolciak, whoses son is due later this summer, has been evicted from her seven-bedroom, eight-bathroom mansion. The sidebar on this reads: "Everybody's Expecting!" With pix of Snooki, Megan Fox, Sienna Miller, Kourtney Kardashian, Uma Thurman and Kristen Cavallari. I.E. EVERYONE. Also inside: Rihanna is "flirting with danger" by hooking up with Chris Brown, and I can't wait until 20 years from now when this story becomes a made-for-TV movie called Mother May I Flirt With Danger? Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' marriage is "in crisis." Giuliana Rancic revealed the sex of her child at her baby shower by releasing a box full of dozens of blue balloons, which we can only assume floated up into the air and then landed in the ocean where unsuspecting sea turtles mistook them for kelp and choked and died. Last, but not least: Angelina Jolie's 8th grade graduation photo is divine; she looks like she's auditioning to play the Childlike Empress and nailing the part (See Fig. 1).
Grade: D- (cold, congealed baby formula)


This Week in Tabloids: Drew Barrymore's Sad, Sexless Honeymoon

Ok!
"Teen Mom Wedding"
Leah Messer got hitched on the beach of a lake at a private home in Murrells Inlet, South Carolina, and it poured. In the immortal words of Alanis Morissette: Raiiiiiaaiiin on your wedding day! Leah was barefoot at the ceremony, her biological dad wore a cowboy hat, there were sunshine yellow flowers, the whole thing was sweet and rustic and casual — the couple exchanged rings they bought in a pawn shop — and everyone lived happily ever after because getting pregnant as a teenager means earning a big paycheck from MTV and getting your picture taken, TRUE FACTS. The only other story worth mentioning in this issue? The one called "Rob & Kristen's Globe-Trotting Honeymoon," which claims the Twilight stars will get married later this year, then head to Florence, Paris, Bali and the gold coast of Australia. Hey, why not the Moon? This is a work of fiction, right? Anything goes!
Grade: D (Robitussin and Sprite)


This Week in Tabloids: Drew Barrymore's Sad, Sexless Honeymoon

In Touch
"Fame Over Her Child"
Emily Maynard is torn, guys: She loves attention AND her daughter. What to do? Also inside: A biography of Adele claims as she became more and more successful, she drank more and more, until she had a drinking problem. But! Now that she's in love with Simon Konecki, everything is cool. Jessica Simpson is a on a "race" to lose 50 lbs. in five months, and it's making her very emotional. Says an unnamed friend: "She doesn't want to go to the gym. She doesn't want to leave her baby. Sometimes she just starts crying. It's hard for her." Also, Jess is exhausted, since she and fiancé Eric Johnson are "consumed with the baby" and "often up with Maxi all night. " Odd, don't celebrity couples just leave newborns in the woods behind the Scientology center and hope for the best? In other news, Lady Gaga and ridiculously handsome hottie Taylor Kinney are still going strong and were seen canoodlesmushing on the balcony of a hotel in Australia. "Do They Look Like Their Characters?" (See Fig. 2) is kind of a dumb version of this thing looks like that thing. More enjoyable is everyone's favorite play-along-at-home mancandy game, "Guess Whose Guns?" (See Fig. 3)
Grade: D+ (Jack Daniels and Clamato juice)


This Week in Tabloids: Drew Barrymore's Sad, Sexless Honeymoon

Star
"Drugs, Lies And Cheating!"
Guys, Kim Kardashian has constructed a web of lies, and it's about to fall apart! As part of the divorce proceedings, Kris Humphries may spill all kinds of nasty details. For instance: Kim's temper. Viewers saw her punch Kris in the episode when he accidentally stepped on her pedicure, but rumor has it she would pound her fists on his chest and throw sharp objects at him as well. Then there's the cheating: While Kim was engaged to Kris, Kim and Kanye allegedly hooked up at a party on a yacht, and she called it the best sex she ever had. The story would be even better if Kris and Kanye fooled around on a boat behind Kim's back, but whatever. Kris might also dish about Kim's looks; she's supposedly had liposuction, three nose jobs, a boob job and work done on her butt, and she gets Botox and Restylane on a regular basis (See Fig. 4). And then this mag reports KK has a pill-popping habit, downing Valium and sleeping pills with abandon. So. Yeah. Fun. Moving on. Have you tried the crow's feet-covering Housewives Hairdo? (See Fig. 5) Did you know that Christina Aguilera is snubbing her dying grandparents? Can you believe that Katy Perry and Robert Ackroyd are shacking up already? (He took out his phone and deleted every single ex-girlfriend right in front of Katy, who was impressed.) Anne Hathaway and Adam Shulman are misérables, because the film Les Misérables is ruining their relationship. She had to lose weight for the role, so she went on a radical diet, and became moody and irritable. Plus she cut her hair, and Adam thinks she looks like a sickly boy instead of the long-haired girl he fell in love with. Finally, cue the sad saxophone: Drew Barrymore's honeymoon sucked. She told friends she wore sexy lingerie, lit scented candles, busted out massage oils and put on Marvin Gaye, but when she started kissing and cuddling new hub Will Kopelman, he pushed her away, saying something about how he was worried he'd hurt her or the baby with pregnancy sex. Sigh. Poor Drew!
Grade: C (hot Gatorade that's been sitting in a car all day)


This Week in Tabloids: Drew Barrymore's Sad, Sexless Honeymoon

Us
"I'm Not Pregnant!"
So, last week, In Touch ran a cover of Catelynn with the words "I'M PREGNANT" in enormous yellow type. This week, Catelynn tells Us that when she saw the cover, "I actually just laughed. It' so fake!" She also says: "I had to call Carly's adoptive parents, because they freak out when they see these kind of things. They don't know it's fake, so when they see it on a cover of a magazine, they're like, 'Oh my God! How come Catelynn and Tyler didn't tell us?' So I told them,'Hey guys, don't worry about it, it's a lie.' And I had my adoption counselor, Dawn, blowing up my phone all day. It was crazy!" Catelynn also says that Jamie Pyrzewski, the "long-time friend" quoted in In Touch's story, is a name she's never heard in her life. "Somebody must have given the magazine a fake name." Anyway, Catelynn insists that she is not pregnant: "I'm on the pill. I had an IUD for almost three years, but I ended up getting cysts on my ovaries that exploded." And this has been TMI With Teen Moms . Moving on, but not really, more uterus news, this time from Khloe K: She actually got fertility treatments before she moved to Dallas, but chose not to televise it. Now, however, she and Lamar have decided that they want to show what they're going through. Last, but not least, Snooki says she hopes to have a vaginal delivery, because the idea of a C-section scares her. SO MANY UTERUS UPDATES. Snooki also says ever since she announced she's knocked up, people have been rude: "I got tweets saying 'You should have an abortion.' And the other day I got a phone call from someone saying my baby was going to be retarded. I really need a new phone number."
Grade: B (flat Michelob)


Addendum

This Week in Tabloids: Drew Barrymore's Sad, Sexless Honeymoon

Fig. 1, from Life & Style

This Week in Tabloids: Drew Barrymore's Sad, Sexless Honeymoon

Fig. 2, from In Touch

This Week in Tabloids: Drew Barrymore's Sad, Sexless Honeymoon

Fig. 3, from In Touch

This Week in Tabloids: Drew Barrymore's Sad, Sexless Honeymoon

Fig. 4, from Star

This Week in Tabloids: Drew Barrymore's Sad, Sexless Honeymoon

Fig. 5, from Star