Seven Reasons Why Rielle Hunter Is the Most Irritating Person on EarthS

Hey, were you dying to hear not-at-all-notable blonde lady Rielle Hunter talk about herself a whole bunch? Me neither, but she's doing it anyway. For the children (srsly). In a new tell-all memoir, What Really Happened: John Edwards, Our Daughter, and Me, Hunter opens up about what really happened between John Edwards, their daughter, and her. The short version: A whole bunch of garbage people being garbagey to each other. Huzzah.

ABC News obtained an advance copy of the book, and has revealed some highlowlights. In the selected excerpts, Hunter comes across as entitled, delusional, kinda dumb (for lack of a kinder word), and so mired in denial that she still believes she and Edwards are going to live happily ever after in a castle or some shit (PUH-LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE). Edwards—even in the words of his "true love"—can't help but come across as an utterly despicable, slimy, sociopathic shit-snake. Even Hunter deserves better, and she's unbearable.

Here are the reasons why Rielle Hunter will break your brain with her awfulness:

1. She says that John Edwards's affairs are all Elizabeth Edwards's fault.

In her book, Hunter repeatedly refers to Elizabeth Edwards as "crazy" and "venomous," and, according to ABC, "blames [Elizabeth] for driving Edwards into the arms of other women."

Hunter depicts Elizabeth Edwards as woman routinely angry at Edwards, who constantly "barks" demands at her husband, summarily fires staffers and vigilantly works to maintain a public persona as a "saint" when, Hunter writes, really she is a "witch on wheels."

Because it's always the frigid old wife's fault for driving the husband away with her "bitchiness" and her "cancer." It's never the poor husband's fault for making his own fucking choices because he's a grown-ass man. Hunter also says that Elizabeth "was bonkers because she had been in denial." Yes. Great job identifying the most bonkers and in-denial person in this whole scenario. You are a genius.

2. She's the victim, you guys.

In 2006, when "witch on wheels" Elizabeth Edwards found out about her husband's affair (Elizabeth was first diagnosed with cancer in 2004), she gave Hunter a call:

"Hey, baby," Hunter answered assuming it was Edwards. Elizabeth simply hung up.

Elizabeth, Hunter writes, repeatedly called her "for the next two days at all hours of the day and night from various numbers" in an attempt to intimidate her.

When reached for comment, the entire earth answered, "OH BOO FUCKING HOO."

3. She never even GOT a million dollars, though!!! It's not faaaaaaair!

I have stood in the kitchen of my little rental house and screamed in frustration more that once: 'Where is my million dollars? You are going to send Johnny to jail for money that I never even got? That he supposedly solicited for me?'

:-|

4. She will believe literally anything that John Edwards says.

John Edwards's lies are so baroque and weird that I can't even make sense of them. On the first night they had sex, he told Hunter that he was also doing it with at least three other women in other states. He then staged elaborate charades in which he supposedly traveled to visit these far-flung mistresses to inform each one that she would no longer be on the receiving end of his magnificent dong. His dong belonged only to Hunter from now on! But then later he confessed to Hunter that there never were any other mistresses—it was just a standard lie that he told all his dong-recipients so that they wouldn't get "too attached." Except now he wanted to be attached to Hunter! Kind of! But he definitely did have other mistresses—just not the specific ones he told Hunter he was breaking up with. But Hunter was definitely going to be his final mistress, he said. Hunter's take on this whole thing:

Johnny didn't do anything out of character. He has a long history of lying about one thing only—women—and I mistakenly thought I was different.

So...it's okay that he lied to you...because he's a liar? But which parts of the lies were lies and which parts were true? Are the mistresses real or are the mistresses fake? What part of this could you possibly be okay with? I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING.

5. She actually believes that John Edwards is a human being capable of love, and not a shit-covered crouton with the emotional capacity of a shit-covered crouton.

Don't worry—even Nancy Drew and the Case of the Vanishing Mistresses couldn't shake Hunter's conviction that she and Edwards will be together forever:

I really have no idea what will happen with us. The jury is still out. But I can honestly say that the ending is of no concern to me anymore. The love is here. And as sappy as it may sound, I love living in love.

Oh. 'Kay. Good luck with that. In a phone conversation with Edwards just before his trial, Hunter explained that she plans to stick by his side no matter what:

"So if you went to jail, what kind of jail would it be? One of those country clubs?"
"Yeah."
"Where?"
"Probably Virginia."
"So Quinn and I will move to Virginia. Virginia is a great state."

Of course he wouldn't have to go to a real jail—eeew! He's white and rich! And of course he'll want you and that baby right by his side when he's in rich-jail. Because he's shown so much interest in that child so far. You know, like, when he completely fucking denied that it was his. ("He is a great dad to her when he is with her," Hunter says. Which is never.)

6. She's totally fine with the fact that he completely fucking denied that their child was his.

He was temporarily insane [during the interview]... Think about it: Sane healthy people do not deny their children, especially on national TV, simply because they are afraid of their abusive spouse's reaction. Only a mentally off person would do that.

RIELLE. I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU. THIS MAGICAL HOLODECK INSIDE YOUR BRAIN WHERE YOU LIVE—IT ISN'T REAL. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS, GIRL.

7. She wrote this book "for her daughter."

Hunter says she was driven to write the book because she wants daughter Frances Quinn to "have one entirely truthful public account of how she came into the world. After all, this is her story too."

Yeah, because a tell-all book is the only way to deliver information to your own child. You certainly couldn't, I don't know, have a conversation with her. I remember when I was a kid I used to ask my mom questions about our family history and she'd say, "Shut the fuck up, honey. Wait for my tell-all." (That's why I didn't find out that my grandpa is George Hamilton until I was 29!) And I'm sure your four-year-old can't wait to hear all the details of how you fucked her dad and his unstoppable johnson in a hotel room just "moments" after you met. I'm sure she'll hold it close to her heart and sigh, "Mmmmmmmm, my story."

I'm sure it wasn't just for the money. You lunatic gasbag.