A Foolproof Guide to the Most Kickass Bachelor Party of All Time!S

Bachelor parties! That storied rite of passage wherein dudes, horrified by the prospect of a lifetime chained to the woman that they picked, give themselves carte blanche to drink near-fatal amounts of tequila and get erections in the presence of their closest male friends. Ah, love. But times are changing in bachelor-party-land, media reports tell us, as more and more dudes forego paying a nude stranger to half-heartedly -dry-hump them in favor of activities that they actually enjoy—like hiking, fishing, watching TV, and genuine human interaction. Sometimes they even let the wives go! Blasphemers, all of them.

The New York Post spoke with one heartbroken bachelor party traditionalist:

"A bachelor party is a rite of passage for guys," protests Carone, the entertainment director at Maxim. "When else can a group of guy friends cut loose like this, in what is the last free pass society hands us?"

Yeah, men who insist on throwing parties for themselves that they might actually like! You're not just ruining the entertainment director at Maxim's good time—you're dismantling manhood itself!!! Where else are men going to get together and get drunk and ogle women? The traditional bachelor party is the only way. It's not like bars exist. And everyone knows that marriage is mandatory.

Like look at this nerd:

His bachelor weekend kicked off with a civilized brunch at the organic, locally sourced East Village spot Back Forty, then moved on to a karaoke-thon and ended in an anticlimax, with Diamond and his buddies crashing on his couch to watch Ken Burns' documentary about the Civil War.

UGH, WHAT A NIGHTMARE. If you ever catch me enjoying a relaxing day with friends, having fun and indulging our common interests, JUST FUCKING DISEMBOWEL ME WITH A SWORD. (Also please make sure there are hella strippers at my funeral—hot ones, you guys.)

However. What kind of a journalist would I be if I didn't jump on the trend piece bandwagon? I decided to put on my thinking cap and see if I could contribute anything to the world of alternative bachelor parties. And guess what? I killed it. Just figure out what type of guy you are, pick a theme, and go nuts. You're welcome for the best bachelor party ever.

The Traditionalist

I know we're here to talk about alternative bachelor parties, but fuck alternative bachelor parties!!! WOOOOOOO! You're not just the kind of guy who has a ponytail—you're the kind of guy who sees another guy with a nice ponytail and is all, "Hey, nice ponytail." You like all the classics—Vegas, strippers, sex, sexiness, fucking, cocaine, Maxim, sex, and being empty inside. LET'S DO THIS.

1. Everyone flies to Vegas and heads to a swanky steakhouse. Hope you're hungry! Here's where the fun starts: The groom-to-be has to eat one entire 32-ounce ribeye for every year his wife has been alive. That'll teach you not to fall in love with some 35-year-old crone, dummy! If he can't do it then his friends beat the shit out of him. Then everyone high-fives.

2. Rent out the Las Vegas Convention Center. The groom-to-be sits in a chair on the convention floor. As a surprise, you've hired every single stripper in the city to stand in a long line and, one by one, give him a lap dance. His lap will be horrifically disfigured and chapped by the end, but it's worth it, because BOOBZ.

3. You and all your best bros get together and sit around a table. You look into each other's eyes, and then you just FUCK AND FUCK. When you think you're done fucking...just keep fucking! Yeah!!! Fuckiest bachelor party EVER.

The Shy Guy

Ha ha, nerd. You're one of those nerds who cares about shit like "loving your wife" and "enjoying the stuff you do." Here's some boring stuff for you, nerd.

1. How about a nice game of Room-Temperature Potato? It's like Hot Potato, but safer. Follow that up with 8 hours of sustained silent reading.

2. Everyone loves jogging, but it can be a little strenuous on the joints. For this bachelor bash, get your buddies together for a round of fantasy jogging! Check the stats on prominent joggers—pace, distance, gait, lope, stride, jiggle—assemble your fantasy teams, and see who "wins"! Winner gets an extra 30 minutes in the Cry Room.

3. Hire Ken Burns to come to your party and give a private lecture about the history of jazz. But then, 2 hours into the lecture, Ken Burns rips off his pants and—surprise!!!—it was a stripper the whole time!!! For the rest of your life you get a Pavlovian boner every time you think about Wynton Marsalis.

The Iconoclast
You're not boring, but you hate playing by the rules. Basically, you want to turn the traditional bachelor party on its head while still totally cutting loose. Don't worry—we've got you covered!

1. Head out on the street with wads of dollar bills and pay scantily clad women to put more clothes on. Subversive!

2. This is a great one. Just kidnap a woman, throw her in a rented van, take her to an abandoned warehouse...and then YOU strip for HER!!!

3. If shitty movies, shitty television, and shitty stand-up comics have taught me anything, it's that the best bachelor parties always end with a bunch of dudes burying a stripper in the desert. So here's a little twist: Just hire a sorcerer, head out into the desert, and reanimate dead strippers! Before you reunite them with their families, make them strip for you. Make sure to tip your sorcerer.

OR, PLAN B. How about everyone just gets to do the things they want to do? Men having fun with their friends does not constitute a "trend." Neither does men not wanting to touch strangers' boobs. Dudes who like strippers will keep hiring strippers. Dudes who don't like strippers would probably never have hired strippers in the first place. Here's my actual foolproof bachelor party planning guide: Think about what you want to do, THEN DO THAT THING. The end. Everybody wins.

Image via James Steidl/Shutterstock.