Humans have been on this planet for so long that you'd think we'd have already come up with every possible combination of objects with which to hurt each other—and yet we continue to create new and ever more bizarre weapons. The latest innovation comes courtesy of a man in Barnstable, Massachusetts, who got mad at his girlfriend—after she committed the imaginary sin of receiving a text message from another guy while they were together—and whomped her in the face with "a pair of designer jeans he had doused in wasabi sauce." She got the wasabi in her eyes, and then he poured even more of the spicy sauce in her car. Double ouch. I think I can speak for everyone when I say that the term Masshole has never been more appropriate. The 22-year-old, whose name is John McGuiness, has been charged with domestic assault and battery and assault and battery with a dangerous weapon. Let's hope that he is punished with the full force of the law, and it certainly wouldn't hurt if the judge ruled that McGuiness had to rub a slice of habanero pepper all over his fingers every time before he pees.