This Week In Tabloids: Sandra Bullock Is a Better Mom Than Angelina JolieS

Avast ye mateys and welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we sail the sapphire tabloid seas in search of buried treasure chests of gossip from In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Mad Men's Betty and Megan hate each other IRL; Teen Mom's Catelynn is supposedly pregnant; and Angelina Jolie wears a dunce cap at Mommy School.


This Week In Tabloids: Sandra Bullock Is a Better Mom Than Angelina JolieS

Ok!
"Prison Hell!"
There was no Midweek Madness last week because I went on vacation in Hawaii, absorbing UV rays on the North Shore of Oahu and then a short trip to the big island where I went 13,796 ft above sea level miles up to the top of Mauna Kea, got a star tour from an astronomer, visited a black sand beach, saw lava floes, slept in a Jeep at a rest area on a volcano and ate a teriyaki burger with a giant slice of grilled pineapple on it. So when I come back to bullshit like this, I mean, I don't have a lot of patience for a story about how prison — which is supposed to be punishment — is scary. That said, I enjoy the new Cover Girl ad featuring Marlen Esparza. (See Fig. 1)
Grade: F (forced to walk the plank in shark-infested waters)


This Week In Tabloids: Sandra Bullock Is a Better Mom Than Angelina JolieS

Life & Style
"Yes, I'm Engaged!"
Lady goes on dating show in which the finale involves a proposal and — get this — is proposed to. In the middle of the night on the island of Curaçao on May 11, some dude paid to smile at Emily Maynard gave her a $90,000 4-carat ring purchased by ABC. Modern love! (Please note that there is no actual interview with Emily inside this issue. Also the cover line "THIS TIME IT'S FOREVER" sounds positively purgatorial.) Also inside: When you read that Kate Middleton has "saved" the marriage of Princess Charlene, you might think it was by getting her something from JimmyJane or handing her a copy of Fifty Shades of Garbage, but instead she has been "sharing" what she's learned about keeping a marriage strong, snooze. Brad and Angelina spent her birthday in Egypt, and since she's about to play Cleopatra in a movie, the trip was both business and pleasure. Finally, Patti Stanger says she is planning on adopting a child. She hopes for an older kid, around 5, and also wants to do domestic adoption. Stanger herself was adopted and has recently begun searching for her birth parents. She says: "I figured out that the reason I was single for so long and picking the wrong guys is that I have an abandonment issue that comes from my adoption." Wait so, um, she will perpetuate this issue by adopting? Confused. Anyway, Pattikins says: "I want to be called 'Mom.' It really is the most beautiful word in the English language." And here I thought the most beautiful words were "drinks on me."
Grade: D- (termites in peg leg)


This Week In Tabloids: Sandra Bullock Is a Better Mom Than Angelina JolieS

Star
"Best And Worst Moms!"
Look, we all know that life is a competition and doing everything perfectly — or, more importantly, having people think you are perfect — is how you "win." So far we have not thrown moms into a gladiator-style arena and forced them to parent to the death on reality TV but Fox is prolly planning something. Anyway: Sandra Bullock is a Good Mom because she once said of Little Louis: "I do not want anyone else to have the pleasure of changing poopy diapers but me!" Meanwhile, Angie is a Bad Mom because her kids travel a lot and "schlepping them around the globe isn't the best way to give them stability." Plus, they're always eating junk food and they (gasp) play with toy guns. Other model moms include Jennifer Garner, Reese Witherspoon, Pink and Alyson Hannigan; A students in the school of motherhood. Amber Portwood, Madonna, Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Lopez are bringing home Cs and Ds. Perhaps some tutoring will help bring those grades up? Also inside: Jessica Simpson is in a "baby weight battle," since she's supposed to be on Weight Watchers but "her shelves are still stocked with potato chips, frozen pizzas and cookies." Her fiancé Eric is "getting turned off by her rolls of fat and triple chin," says someone incredibly assholic. Mad Men gossip! January Jones and Jessica Paré HATE each other, mostly because JJ is jealous, furious and bitter that she's not the hot one anymore. Jennifer Lopez is trying to get pregnant with boyfriend Casper Smart, which is possibly not a good idea since she got a C- on the Celebrity Mom Report Card for leaving the twins with the nannies so much. We're supposed to believe that Prince William is pissed that Kate flirts with Prince Harry. And Glee's Naya Rivera wants everyone to know she would love to play Johanna Mason in the Hunger Games sequel. Would you approve of this casting?
Grade: D+ (shipwrecked on rocky coast)


This Week In Tabloids: Sandra Bullock Is a Better Mom Than Angelina JolieS

Us
"Their Private World"
Will and Kate are super duper normal. I mean, sure, she gets a blowout every three days and they live in a palace, but! She likes shopping online, he likes movies. However, there is a Royal Baby Rollout Plan, since "producing a royal heir requires careful orchestration." Basically there is a window during which Kate be scheduled to get knocked up. Looks like she'll need to be boning in September and we should expect an announcement around New Year's. Spontaneity! Also inside: Andy Samberg had a crush on Joanna Newsom and went to her shows before they ever met — now they are dating and he is "still smitten." Lastly, 25 Things You Don't Know About RuPaul includes the fact that he spends time on a ranch in Wyoming, likes burnt toast and sleeps with a stuffed donkey named Jimmy. (See Fig. 2)
Grade: D (scurvy)


This Week In Tabloids: Sandra Bullock Is a Better Mom Than Angelina JolieS

In Touch
"I'm Pregnant!"
In an "exclusive," the mag claims former Teen Mom Catelynn Lowell, now 20, is expecting another child, and she and fiancé Tyler Baltierra plan to keep this one. There are precisely zero quotes from Catelynn and Tyler, but an insider swears the pregnancy wasn't planned — she was on birth control — and in May, she told a reporter that she wanted to be married for at least two or three years before having kids. But surprise! There's a baby coming. Unlike when Catelynn was 16, she and Tyler now own a three bedroom house and pay their own bills, and, an insider says, "they're mature and wise." Catelynn is allegedly moving up her wedding — originally scheduled for July 2013 — and should get hitched in September. Again, Catelynn does not actually tell the magazine "I'm pregnant," so we can't be sure, especially since she's been tracking her weight loss on Twitter and hasn't mentioned being knocked up. Then again, some jerk friend could have sold the story to In Toca and Catelynn could be gestating, in which case, Mazel Tov and let's move on. Miley Cyrus is "rushing to the altar" because she's always wanted to be a mom before she turns 21. Tish Cyrus gave birth to Miley' sister Brandi when she was 20 and Miley can't wait to be a young cool mom, like Amy Poehler in Mean Girls. Madonna has "crazy" tour demands, and is traveling with a 200-person entourage, including a yoga instructor, an acupuncturist and a dry cleaner, and she requires 20 international phone lines in her dressing room (?!?!) along side light pink roses with stems trimmed to exactly six inches not sure how any of this is "crazy" when you're away from home working for extended period of time but whatevs. The story called "These Stars Say Bye-Bye To Extreme Dieting" claims certain celebs are "living it up" and "treating themselves," but I'm pretty sure they're still working out eight days a week, no? Last, but not least: I believe Rihanna has had more than 12 hairstyles in 12 months, but anywhoozle, I like August and December. (See Fig. 3)
Grade: C (assigned to swab the decks)

THIS JUST IN: "Don't believe everything you read, I'm definitely not pregnant!" Catelynn tells Us Magazine. Whoops!

Amended Grade: F (decapitated during mutiny)


Addendum

This Week In Tabloids: Sandra Bullock Is a Better Mom Than Angelina JolieS

Fig. 1, from Ok!

This Week In Tabloids: Sandra Bullock Is a Better Mom Than Angelina JolieS

Fig. 2, from Us

This Week In Tabloids: Sandra Bullock Is a Better Mom Than Angelina JolieS

Fig. 2, from In Touch