Giant Turtles ‘Divorce’ After Spending 115 Very Slow Years Together

After spending a mind-numbing 115 years in captivity together, two giant turtles at an Austrian zoo have abruptly split up, distressing zookeepers and proving that it's never too late to grow tired as fuck with a romantic partner's incessant mouth-breathing.

The Austrian Times reports that turtles Bibi and Poldi have shared a suffocating cage at a zoo in Klagenfort for 36 years, before which time they'd been cellmates at the Basel Zoo in Switzlerland, but had a dramatic falling out when Bibi, the lady turtle, bit a chunk out of Poldi's smelly old shell and summarily kicked him out of their cage so she could use it as a swinger's pad. Zookeepers have tried to nudge the pair back together with "romantic good mood food," but Bibi isn't having it, which means that Poldi must really suck because what else is a turtle in captivity doing with its time if it's not eating or slowly having sex?

Zoo officials have said that it's exceedingly rare for turtle pairs to split after such a long time, but maybe romantic upheavals just happen way slower when you have such a long lifespan. Bibi and Poldi had been hatchlinghood friends, so it probably made sense for them to get together, but then Bibi realized that Poldi was just a pretentious asshole who want to "go to Hollywood" and be the next Spielberg or whatever, and was like, "F this noise — I want to hook up with Joshua Jackson."

Shelling Out for a Divorce [Austrian Times]