Dear American News Outlets: Quit Trying to Make the Diamond Jubilee HappenS

Look, we are not above all of the hoopla surrounding the royal family. It's hard not to get excited by Kate Middleton's glorious sun mane, the Disney-esque tale of how she, a commoner, managed to get married to the future king of England and wore a beautiful wedding dress (it had sleeves! SLEEVES!). I'm sure even the best of us get a little tingly when discussing Prince Harry or when hearing that he's touring the U.S. hooking up with cocktail waitresses who very easily could have been you. Prince Charles will occasionally surprise everybody by dropping by the BBC to present the weather. Princess Diana. Palaces. A dark and gruesome history. It's all fascinating in the way that only a family that exists in the liminal state between intensely public and intensely private can be. But it's still not nearly as fascinating as the morning news cycle would like you to believe.

This weekend marks the Diamond Jubilee, the huge-fucking-deal celebration in which Queen Elizabeth II will celebrate 60 years on the throne. And I am not being sarcastic when I call it a huge fucking deal — it is a huge fucking deal. 60 years is a long-ass time to be queen and she deserves a party full of fur-trimmed crowns, masquerades and archery contests. The people of England deserve a handful of days off. Party on, Red Coats. Party on.

Here's the rub. American morning news shows like the Today Show and Good Morning America will not shut their makeup-caked faces up about it. And it's not just the occasional feature on the Queen celebrating a monumental year on the throne. No, it's a daily segment covering every detail of a festival We, The People could not be less involved in. Take, for instance, the multi-part Katie Couric interview with Wills and Harry about their grandmother. It was very sweet, but, you know what? It's what any of us would say about our grandmothers, the only difference being that our grandmothers are probably not Windsors. There was also a segment that featured Prince Charles talking over home movies from when he was growing up. Again, awwww. But, again, blahhhh. Best (or perhaps worst) of all, this morning's Today Show featured a whole segment on the flotilla being assembled for the weekend's festivities. Will it stay afloat in the rain? If not, we are all making a pact to drown ourselves in the Thames.

This is not an attack on the Royal Family. I am not nearly educated enough in British policies and traditions to craft an argument against the British monarchy or, more simply, the Queen's Diamond Jubilee. I will leave that work to the good people of Great Britain. This is more a plea to the morning news shows to stop — PLEASE STOP — forcing non-stories about the Royal Family (sorry, Pippa — that includes you, too) down our throats.

The Revolution was fought and won, now quit trying to make the Royals happen. It's not going to happen.

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