Mastering the art of a decent hand job requires enviable skill and much practice, but rather than applaud the dexterity Kristen Stewart is said to display while simultaneously jerking off two guys in On The Road Dan Gainor of the Culture and Media Institute is up in arms over her busy hands. "In the film On The Road, Kristen Stewart engages in a threesome and masturbates two male characters according to reports. How will parents who took their daughters to see the Twilight movies explain this?" he shrieks. "It is irresponsible of Stewart and manipulative of Hollywood bosses to deliberately try to destroy any sense of decency these actresses might have taught young people." Let's stop him right there. Before you go a Googlin' to find out what this official sounding Culture and Media Institute is all about and inflating their page views, on their site they describe their mission as "holding the liberal media accountable for shamelessly advancing a left-wing agenda, distorting the truth, and vilifying the conservative movement." Now, let's shamelessly advance our left-wing agenda by asking two questions: First, what parent is going to take their tweenager to go and see On The Road? And, second, can I have a show of hands who lost their hand-shandy virginity well before they got married and realized sex can only be between a man and a woman for procreational purposes? I thought as much. For her part, Kristen Stewart said the sex scenes were a trip. "I wanted to do [the scene]," she said. "I love pushing. I love scaring myself. I've always wanted to get as close to an experience as I could." [Radar, Page Six]

Kristen Stewart Unfairly Chastised for Jerking Off Two Guys at Once
  • Did Britney Spears storm off the set of X Factor? Sources say she bailed after one contestant delivered a horrible performance of "Hold It Against Me." (Said contestant, meanwhile, is likely mortified.) TMZ reports that Britney didn't immediately return, forcing contestants to audition in front of the other judges and Britney's empty seat. But she says she was just taking a break; sometimes a girl's gotta pee. Whatever the case, this sort of drama explains why Brit's $15M contract is only for one year. [TMZ, NYDN, Radar]

    • Today in DUIs: Jenna Jameson was arrested early this morning on suspicion of one after running her car into a pole. At some point, the city of Los Angeles really should consider some sort of celebrity-only transit system to keep the sauced ones off the road. [TMZ]
    • That Ukrainian reporter who got a quick slap/punch after trying to forcibly kiss Will Smith has his eyes set on Selena Gomez. "I love her. She is my future project," he said. "Selena, hi. I'm not afraid of Justin Bieber. He's not competition." Shit is gonna go down. [TMZ]
    • Wilmer Valderrama's neighbors really want him to shut the fuck up. [TMZ]
    • Here's a random report that Alec Baldwin and fiancée Hilaria Thomas might elope in Europe. [E!]
    • Speaking of: If you were waiting for Alec Bladwin to break Twitter after falling out with Harvey Weinstein keep waiting –- the two have patched things up. [Page Six]
    • Like many a single lady and gay man, Katy Perry and Adam Lambert made sure they were in the thick of it during the start of Fleet Week. [Page Six]
    • Food Network star Anne Burrell has confirmed she's a lesbian after she was outed by big-mouth fellow presenter Ted Allen. But she don't care the news is now common knowledge because it's never been a major secret. [Page Six]
    • Tara Reid may or may not be dating 60-year-old watch and jewelery maker Fawaz Gruosi. [E!]
    • Seth Myer says he's bummed about Kristen Wiig leaving SNL. Take a ticket. [Us]
    • Katy Perry's documentary Part Of Me is almost upon us and the trailer already is. [Us]
    • Want to see the house that love built and then soured? Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds' former home is on the market. [People]
    • Is it just me or does Anne Hathaway's fiancé Adam Shulman have a touch of the Ryan Goslings about him? Scroll down to the last picture. [Daily Mail]
    • Lady Gaga's suite at the W Taipei costs $12,000/night. NBD. [People]
    • Kim Kardashian tries her hand — er, leg — at flashing some Angelina gams. [Radar]