The Good, the Bad and the Incredibly Ugly Fashion at the 2012 Cannes Film FestivalS

Celebrities in Cannes have been spending the past week partying on yachts and attending glamorous film premieres. Thus, their fashion crimes deserve no clemency.

The Good, the Bad and the Incredibly Ugly Fashion at the 2012 Cannes Film FestivalS

My favorite of the week was Spanish actress Paz Vega's black and white belted gown. It has so many elements that I typically find disgusting and trite—like cutouts, a weird boob window, and the feather-duster hem—but working together they create a cutting edge look that combines an old Hollywood silhouette with modern flair.

The Good, the Bad and the Incredibly Ugly Fashion at the 2012 Cannes Film FestivalS

Jessica Chastain was pretty much flawless all week long in flow-y, light-weight gowns.

The Good, the Bad and the Incredibly Ugly Fashion at the 2012 Cannes Film FestivalS

Kirsten Dunst's belted gown manages to convey the youthful elegance that hot pink satin always wants to, but rarely ever does.

The Good, the Bad and the Incredibly Ugly Fashion at the 2012 Cannes Film FestivalS

Jane Fonda's sexiness is offset by the photographers who all decided to wear clown wigs.

The Good, the Bad and the Incredibly Ugly Fashion at the 2012 Cannes Film FestivalS

The flower petals of Naomi Watts' dress are constructed completely out of feathers.

The Good, the Bad and the Incredibly Ugly Fashion at the 2012 Cannes Film FestivalS

Typically, gowns that have the mermaid fish tail thing are supposed to be fitted from the knee up, but Cheryl Cole looks like she's swimming in hers.

The Good, the Bad and the Incredibly Ugly Fashion at the 2012 Cannes Film FestivalS

I thought the louder, patterned gowns were some of the coolest: Kristen Stewart, Bérénice Bejo, and Barbara Palvin.

The Good, the Bad and the Incredibly Ugly Fashion at the 2012 Cannes Film FestivalS

Sparkle: Milla Jovovich, Kylie Minogue, and Diane Kruger.

The Good, the Bad and the Incredibly Ugly Fashion at the 2012 Cannes Film FestivalS

Black: Salma Hayek, Kate Upton, and Allyson Paradis.

The Good, the Bad and the Incredibly Ugly Fashion at the 2012 Cannes Film FestivalS

White: Michelle Rodriguez, Elizabeth McGovern, and Diane Kruger.

The Good, the Bad and the Incredibly Ugly Fashion at the 2012 Cannes Film FestivalS

Green: Natasha Poly, Araceli Gonzalez, and Luisana Lopilato.

The Good, the Bad and the Incredibly Ugly Fashion at the 2012 Cannes Film FestivalS

The color is loud enough that Jada Pinkett Smith's dress doesn't need all those other bells and whistles, like the high slit or the weird breast plate thing.

The Good, the Bad and the Incredibly Ugly Fashion at the 2012 Cannes Film FestivalS

Whoever designed Karolina Kurkova's gown should take note that the last thing a woman wants is for someone to look at her ass and then furrow their brow. Seriously, what the fuck is that?

The Good, the Bad and the Incredibly Ugly Fashion at the 2012 Cannes Film FestivalS

I think even Mariah Carey would find Hofit Golan's butterfly bracelet to be a bit much.

The Good, the Bad and the Incredibly Ugly Fashion at the 2012 Cannes Film FestivalS

This lady's Star of David left an indentation on her skin that looks like some kind of horrible concentration camp scar. Who would've thought that wearing a symbol of one's religion at the top of one's butt crack would be a bad idea?

The Good, the Bad and the Incredibly Ugly Fashion at the 2012 Cannes Film FestivalS

I didn't think it was physically possible but for an event in the middle of the day, Isabelle Adriani is both over and under dressed.

The Good, the Bad and the Incredibly Ugly Fashion at the 2012 Cannes Film FestivalS

These three.

The Good, the Bad and the Incredibly Ugly Fashion at the 2012 Cannes Film FestivalS

All the other women who attend these premieres borrow their gowns and jewelry, but Phoebe Price actually paid for hers.

The Good, the Bad and the Incredibly Ugly Fashion at the 2012 Cannes Film FestivalS

Are we actually supposed to be fooled into thinking that Roxane Mesquida is naked under this dress? I mean, it's gotten to the point where these nude illusion dresses are just coverups for beige bathing suits. These designers are just getting away with selling unlined gowns.

The Good, the Bad and the Incredibly Ugly Fashion at the 2012 Cannes Film FestivalS

The worst part of Asia Argento's getup is the eyebrow of her tattoo.

The Good, the Bad and the Incredibly Ugly Fashion at the 2012 Cannes Film FestivalS

Delphine Chaneac in My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding attire.

The Good, the Bad and the Incredibly Ugly Fashion at the 2012 Cannes Film FestivalS

Cassie is trying to gank Skrillex's style.

The Good, the Bad and the Incredibly Ugly Fashion at the 2012 Cannes Film FestivalS

Bianca Balti's floral dress makes her look like a waitress at a theme restaurant. I feel like Kelly Brook was drawn to this dress the same way that little girls are drawn to geodes—they're both sparkly and colorful, but ultimately common. Model Sarah Marshall can't take all the blame for this outfit, starring her thigh high, since she is the muse for designer Jean Claude Jitrois, who did this to her.