How to Look Dumb and Slutty Enough for a One Night StandS

An idiotic new study has shown that when seeking a woman for a one-time fun time, men look for certain qualities — namely, is she stupid enough to have sex with me? Because the study (and the men involved) have conveniently ignored the fact that ladies sometimes want one night stands, too (also ignored: the idea that women sometimes have sex without being tricked into it), we've broken down the list of 88 traits that researchers found influenced men in their quest for sex to bring you a definitive guide to tricking dudes into thinking that they're tricking you into having sex with them.

Sexual exploitability: observable cues and their link to sexual attraction will be published in this month's issue of Evolution and Human Behavior, which looks to be the sort of publication that pats men on the head for being assholes and tells them that it's not their fault that they're dicks — that's evolution, baby! — and this sexual exploitability study is no exception. It postulates that because reproduction requires less parental investment for men than it does for women (an expulsion of spooj followed by an indefinite trip to the store to pick up some cigarettes versus 9 months of pregnancy followed by childbirth followed by having a baby yelling at you all the time for, like, several years), women must therefore be exploited if men ever hope to get them to have sex with them. The study not only assumes that women are reluctant to have sex because of babies (the Pill never happened, apparently), every high-stakes sexual encounter that a woman has with a man is the result of the man overcoming some resistance in the woman — either via seduction or by force.

So, the weirdos who thought that this sort of thing would make a good, solid study looked to test their sexual exploitability hypothesis on a group of men and determine if a woman's perceived vulnerability made her hotter — and they were right! But first, they had to determine what, exactly, made a woman look DTBTIF (Down To Be Tricked Into Fucking). Lucky for you, horny women of the world, most of these traits are easy to fake. So let's have at it — remember, this is all scientific.

DO: look immature, act drunk and reckless, hang out with sluts, glance over your shoulder, appear sleepy, touch your boob

All of these traits were strongly correlated with being vulnerable and therefore exploitable and therefore more likely to trip over something and accidentally fall onto some dude's cock. So wear your hair in pigtails, shop at Forever 21, yell TOTALLY WOOOO! a lot (this makes you sound both younger and more reckless), make out with your friends, and always keep your neck craned so you're glancing over your shoulder at all times. Even if it leads to muscle spasms. You want to get laid, don't you?

If that fails, start sending signals to men around you that you're very tired. Yawn dramatically, lean over to your slutty friend and say, loudly enough for people around you to hear, "I'm so exhausted that I could just fuck myself to sleep." And then give your boob a honk.

DO NOT: appear intelligent, be old, act shy or anxious, suck on a straw, stand near men

Men don't make passes at girls who wear glasses, unless those girls are playing librarians in a porn. Do ditch any vestiges of intelligence — institute a 3 syllable max and only talk half as much as he talks. But don't be all shy about it, or act nervous — those things indicate to men that you may be aware of the fact that they're constantly trying to assess whether or not you can be tricked into fucking.

Surprisingly, straw sucking was negatively correlated vulnerability and therefore attractiveness, possibly because the sort of man who believes that the key to sexiness is vulnerability is the sort of guy who might be sexually intimidated by the size of a drinking straw. Look at that monster schlong she's drinking from. I could never satisfy her!

DO: wear an engagement or wedding band, attend a wedding, wear tight clothing, be a punk, have tattoos, be short, be fat

You'd think that it would scare men off, but wearing an engagement ring is a great way to let them know that some dude has probably been able to trick you into fucking him over and over and over, and then trick you into committing yourself legally to fucking only him for the remainder of your life. Weddings are obvious places for vulnerable people, as women are automatically insecure attending an event where another woman is the center of attention.

If you're not hearing any wedding bells, you can up your Fuck Me; I'm Stupid factor by wearing tight clothing or dressing like a punk. These things indicate daddy issues, according to jokes written by people who are not punks or women who wear tight clothing, and daddy issues equals crazy sex. Same goes for tattoos.

DO NOT: be skinny, have a flushed face, be tall, dance, be a prostitute, have piercings

Piercings are indicative of the fact that you are pointy, and pointy is not vulnerable. Skinny women have had their self worth reinforced endlessly by society, and they're likely too confident to fuck a creep. Tall women have a long enough stride to escape quickly on foot, so if you're taller than 5'6" in stature, sit down.

For some reason, men don't find prostitutes sexy; if you're a hooker, try to hide that fact. I guess.

So, there you have it! Foolproof ways to trick men into thinking that they're tricking you into having sex with them.

If the lead researchers on this paper weren't themselves women, I'd think that scientists who assume that every woman needs to be duped into sex haven't yet discovered the clitoris.

[Slate]