Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we check out the "beach blunders" from In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Britney's new job might trigger another meltdown; Snooki is gonna start designing sunglasses for babies; and Jessica Simpson needs to lose almost 100 lbs. in six months.
"Take Me Back!"
Russell Brand has been bombarding Katy Perry with phone calls, texts and emails, pleading for a reconciliation. The mag informs us that Katy Perry is all nope, no thanks, I got that dude from Florence + The Machine now (even though we know that KP and Robert Ackroyd have broken up) and there's a sidebar called "He's Special," detailing how Katy and Rob bonded through music. And! A pullquote which reads, "Rob Makes Katy Happy Again." Snooze! They've broken up. Next: Jessica Simpson is "ready to be a bride." And wants to have a beach destination wedding. Finally, Kanye West wants to marry Kim Kardashian and keeps asking her, but she isn't officially divorced yet. Still, they joke about it, and have discussed not having a big wedding — just walking into City Hall and getting married without fanfare. YEAH RIGHT. Kim's whole deal is, if it's not on E!, it didn't even happen.
Grade: F (broken glass in the sand)
Life & Style
Frustrated novelists work at tabloids, and the first paragraph of this cover story is proof: "As baby Maxwell slept contentedly in her white crib, her adoring mother, Jessica Simpson, was shopping up a storm on Etsy." Jessica and Eric wanted to get married last year on 11/11/11 but when she found out she was pregnant, they put the ceremony on hold. So now they're aiming for 12/12/12. A sidebar blares, "SHE'S GOT SIX MONTHS TO LOSE THE BABY WEIGHT" and notes that she wants to weigh 130 by December. BTW, this issue taught me that if you like the curly Baroque Prada shades but don't want to spend $300, you can get a similar pair for five bucks. The only other vaguely interesting thing in this issue is the sheer massive scale of Ryan Seacrest's house, the house that Idol and The Kardashians built. (See Fig. 1) Sigh.
Grade: D- (cigarette butts in the sand)
"It's A Boy!"
Snooki and Jionni did an interview and photoshoot with the mag, and the mag also had someone prepare a composite photo of what their still in-utero fetus will look like (See Fig. 2) Is one eye off-center? Anyway, Snooki is deliciously quotable, and here are some things she says about her unborn child:
- "I thought it'd be a girl. I was hoping it would be, because all girls want girls."
- "Our son will probably start wrestling very soon… He's going to be a jock."
- "I hate maternity clothes. The word 'maternity' reminds me of old women, and I'm so young!"
- "We want [the nursery] to have a baby safari theme." Babies on safari! Stalking elephants and guzzling like Hemingway!
- "I'm going to make baby sunglasses."
Moving on! Jessica Simpson is planning her "dream wedding," but first: She has to lose weight! Only six months to go! She was 210 lbs. while pregnant and wants to be 130 when she goes down the aisle. And I swear to God this sentence is in print:
"Jessica would rather be an unwed mother than a fat bride," explains the insider.
Next: Did Emily The Bachelorette get implants? (See Fig. 3) Adam Levine's ex, model Anne V, is now bumping uglies with Jared Leto. "Curvy and Proud" is a not-terrible four-page "story" featuring women like Kim and Khloe, ScarJo, Cheryl Burke and Rihanna in bikinis. Finally, there's a 2-page story on Stalker Sarah, which is so last month.
Grade: D (dog poop in the sand)