Here's That Sex and the City Prequel You Didn't Ask For

Well. I feel nothing.

But in case you still want to hear more from Carrie Bradshaw (can't we let someone else have a turn?...Oh...no?), here's a brand new trailer for the CW's upcoming series The Carrie Diaries (premiering January 2013).

In it, Carrie (AnnaSophia Robb), is an adorable virgin who goes to high school somewhere and once went swimming with a hot boy. Everything looks kind of halfheartedly '80s, but in that cool 2012 way that the kids are into. Carrie's friend Knives Chau loses her virginity and "it was like putting a hot dog in a keyhole." Then Carrie gets an internship in Manhattan, where she meets a black lady and mistakes her for a terrifying thief. But the lady is not a thief, she is some sort of fashion person who says exotic things like "Ciao!" And she takes Carrie to a fashion party! AND GAYS ARE THERE. But then—oops!—it's midnight, so Carrie turns into a pumpkin and dies. The end. No, just kidding. She runs home and "gets touched for the very first time" by that hot pool dude. And history is made. The actual end.

Now, I am a total sucker for teens doing stuff, and I know it's pointless to complain about the existence of a thing that already exists, but do we seriously have to defibrillate the corpse of this ancient franchise? There are literally 8 million other people in New York that you could have chosen to make a show about. Like how about that black lady!? Or anyone else? How about a dead pumpkin? Pretty sure we already have one million hours of shows about fancy white people running around Manhattan in expensive clothings (see: everything set in New York that isn't Law & Order).

I wasn't a massive fan of the original HBO series, but it seems like one of the main things it had going for it was that, being on HBO, it was able to address female sexuality in a charmingly frank way. It was refreshing to see women on television talk about their lives in some semblance of the way that actual women actually talk—you know, with swears and candor and totally gross specifics. The CW has none of that flexibility, although I guess that's what they're going for with the whole "hot dog" bit, which they use twice. And, I don't know, is it possible to give a care about a story when you already know—in excruciating detail—how it ends?

All of that said, I will probably definitely totally be watching this stupid pilot. Hhhhhhhh.