This Week In Tabloids: Reese Witherspoon's Dad Is a Hoarder

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we sniff the pollen-spewing blossoms of gossip from In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Rachel Zoe is "back to scary skinny"; Brad and Angelina have set a wedding date; all of Hollywood have, in unison, collectively turned their backs on Kim Kardashian; and Reese Witherspoon's dad has serious issues.


Before we go any further, take a look at this:

This Week In Tabloids: Reese Witherspoon's Dad Is a Hoarder

Take some time to process what it all means.


This Week In Tabloids: Reese Witherspoon's Dad Is a Hoarder

Ok!
"Pregnant & Betrayed."
Remember this cover line. You'll see it again shortly. Kourtney is in a "pregnancy panic" because Scott "American Psycho" Disick arranged a baby shower for her in Riverhead, NY — the first of two — but spent the day "hiding in another room with a bunch of his buddies." Kourtney also feels betrayed by Scott because he bought a ridiculously expensive sports car and let Kim Kardashian drive it and tweet about it. Plus, she feels betrayed because he teased her about her pregnant body, calling her "Port-ney." So much betrayal. So little time. Moving on! Jennifer Aniston and Jason Sudeikis — who had a fling in 2010 — will be making another movie together and Justin Theroux is pissed and jealous. Apparently J'Anthrax had a fight in the car about it: He pulled over, turned off the engine and looked into Jen's eyes, asking, "Why are you doing this to me?" The source on this is small shrub on the side of the road, I guess. Next, Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart had a "very awkward conversation" in which she talked about having more kids and he "freaked out." Apparently the 24-year-old backup dancer doesn't have reproducing on his agenda "for at least another 10 years." Still, an insider says: "All his buddies tell him he'd be set for life and that he's totally nuts to turn down her offer to start a family." Yes, babies equal money! Last, but not least, if you live in the New York metro area, the editors of OK! want to meet you. (See Fig. 1) Be sure and show up armed with your statistics about how the cover is only accurate seven percent of the time.
Grade: F (light-sensitive migraine with nausea)


This Week In Tabloids: Reese Witherspoon's Dad Is a Hoarder

Life & Style
"Pregnant & Betrayed."
Cover line sound familiar? Kourtney Kardashian is betrayed because Scott Disick drank until 2:30am on May 13 — Mother's Day. Also, the mag dug up an old buddy of Scott's — "childhood friend" Donald Blanco — who says that Scott is the star of almost 10 "seedy sex tapes." Tell us all about it, Blanco! "Scott was obsessed with sex. He loved it. We'd bring back different groups of girls to one of our houses and do various things to them. We tried to make it a daily routine, and some nights would be taped. There's probably a good eight or nine tapes." Think: Flashing strangers, skinny-dipping in pools, sex in hot tubs, orgies. Condoms were not used, but alcohol, weed and cocaine often were. Hence: Kourtney betrayed. And don't forget about how Scott wasn't in town for Kourtney's baby shower at Bruce Jenner's house. Even Kanye and Lamar were there! Meanwhile, Reese Witherspoon is betrayed by her father, who had been living apart from her mother for the past 16 years, since he has issues with hoarding, alcoholism, overspending and cheating. Yikes. Let's move on. Prince William is "torn between his two loves," because he longs to serve his country but hates leaving his wife behind. Apparently he has until the end of the year to decide whether he'll continue his career as a pilot in the RAF or quit. Finally: If you want to see what Katherine Heigl's new baby looks like, you're in luck! Spoiler: IT LOOKS LIKE A BABY. (See Fig. 2) Question: Is that baby black? Just curious.
Grade: D- (violent sneezing fits)


This Week In Tabloids: Reese Witherspoon's Dad Is a Hoarder

In Touch
"Hollywood Turns On Kim!"
Kim Kardashian has been "abandoned" by her famous friends — even Kanye. A source spills: "Poor Kim doesn't have a friend in the world. She's always wanted to surround herself with famous people, but they don't want anything to do with her anymore." KK thought she might attend the Met gala with Kanye, and asked Michael Kors to dress her. He didn't respond. OUCH. Of course, Wicked Witch of Fêtes Anna Wintour barred KK from attending the ball, so that solved that. But Kim was also left off the list from the Vanity Fair post-Oscar party, and former pals like Jennifer Lopez, Beyoncé, and Eva Longoria have been "distant" ever since that whole quickie divorce thing. Plus! Gwyneth thinks Kim is tacky and refuses to be photographed near her; Halle Berry hates her and Anderson Cooper thinks she is "laughing all the way to the bank." Boo hoo cry me a fucking river, moving on. Rihanna was spotted flirting and holding hands with New York Knicks star J.R. Smith at a club on May 6. This was "to get back at Chris." Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have decided to get married in an intimate ceremony at their French estate in June, possibly near Angie's birthday, June 4 (a day after mine, holla.) Ryan Gosling met Eva Mendes's mom, and she looooooves him. The Cuban-born lady was seen gushing, hugging and kissing Baby Goose right on the lawn. Cute. Rachel Zoe is "back to scary skinny" and an insider claims: "She eats raspberries, strawberries, and coffee. She never eats entire meals. She drinks water all day to feel full and won't order anything but salad at dinners, which she doesn't even eat." The berry and coffee diet sounds very French, no? Since it is your one true desire in life, here are some tips on "How To Be The Next Snooki" from the casting director of Jersey Shore (See Fig. 3). Last, but not least: What I learned from "These '80s Stars Look So Different," aka "People Change Over The Course Of 30 Years" is that my crush on George Michael was misguided but not unfounded. (See Fig. 4)
Grade: D (nosebleed)


This Week In Tabloids: Reese Witherspoon's Dad Is a Hoarder

Us
"Humiliated By Her Husband."
Uh, I don't watch this show, but it seems Teresa is living a life fraught with drama. Her oft-drunk and always rude husband Joe was indicted for using a false ID to obtain a driver's license. He might go to jail. So Teresa is planning her next moves: A Life Without Joe memoir, a spinoff show, etc. Apparently he's a cheater and a bad dad, and, according to an insider, "not a nice guy," but Teresa would never leave him. Once a trophy wife, she's now the sole breadwinner, making cash from the show, her cookbooks and her liquor, Fabellini. What will become of her? We shall see. Also inside: Ryan Gosling loves Eva Mendes, but he doesn't want to move in with her. Yet. Pages 60, 61, 62 and 63 feature posed shots of Kourtney Kardashian at her baby shower, if you care to see them; You'll also see Kim sitting on Kanye's lap and Lamar Odom touching Kourtney's belly. Scott wasn't there because he had to work — hosting a party in Atlantic City — so much for being betrayed?
Grade: D+ (eyelid swelling)


This Week In Tabloids: Reese Witherspoon's Dad Is a Hoarder

Star
"Kelly's Private Hell"
This magazine looks a different these days, slightly classier, which sounds bizarre, I know. Anyway. In the wake of allegations that John Travolta tried to get masseurs to touch his penis, Kelly Preston has been flooded with phone calls and texts from friends and family, asking if she's okay. Rumors of Travolta's gayness have circulated since 1990 — that's when Paul Barresi, a gay porn star, claimed that he and John had sex for years — from 1983 to 1985. But John married Kelly in 1991, and a source says she signed a contract when they got hitched. It was an arrangement, see, and Kelly knows that JT is gay, but she's cool with it. Although his lawyers deny it. Anyway! Star, as they are wont to do, called a random family member — Linda Carlson, Kelly's mom — and she says: "Please don't believe the trash out there, It's such trash. Absolute rubbish. They couldn't be happier." Lady, you are TALKING TO THE TRASH, you know that, right? Rubbish called you on your home phone. Next: Is Jessica Biel in love with a cheater? This "two-timing timeline" about Justin Trousersnake says yes. (See Fig. 5) Finally, again, if you live in new york, you can MEET THE TRASH! (See Fig. 6) Be sure and ask the editors about Kate Middleton's twins, Jennifer Aniston's twins or the time they diagnosed Angelina's twins with Down syndrome (okay, that was under a different editor, but still.)
Grade: C- (watery eyes and sniffles)


Addendum

This Week In Tabloids: Reese Witherspoon's Dad Is a Hoarder

Fig. 1, from Ok!

This Week In Tabloids: Reese Witherspoon's Dad Is a Hoarder

Fig. 2, from Life & Style

This Week In Tabloids: Reese Witherspoon's Dad Is a Hoarder

Fig. 3, from In Touch

This Week In Tabloids: Reese Witherspoon's Dad Is a Hoarder

Fig. 4, from In Touch

This Week In Tabloids: Reese Witherspoon's Dad Is a Hoarder

Fig. 5, from Star

This Week In Tabloids: Reese Witherspoon's Dad Is a Hoarder

Fig. 6, from Star