On last night's episode of Real Housewives of Orange County, Alexis threw a lavish birthday party for her four-year-old twin daughters that included live puppies serving as both the entertainment and party favors for the guests (just like the bridal shower Rose Byrne's character threw in Bridesmaids that we all thought was so funny because the idea of it was so absurd that no one would ever actually really do that). Alexis had carefully planned out her girls' grand entrance down the family's sweeping staircase. But before that special moment, she took the time to give a speech about how she almost died in childbirth, detailing her ordeal in labor, the pulmonary embolism she suffered, and the list of drugs she was administered, from Demerol to Morphine—to a group of four-year-old children and their parents who were probably already pissed off that they were put in the position of "mean mommy" because they had to tell their caked-up, sugared-out kids that they couldn't take the adorable puppies home with them.