Bristol Palin Blames Glee for President Obama's Gay Marriage Stance

The latest person to give their unsolicited opinion on President Obama's personal acceptance of gay marriage is aspiring reality star Bristol Palin. In a new blog post, the daughter of American laughingstock and glass ceiling rebuilder Sarah Palin really put on her thinking cap and reasoned that the President's change of heart means that the people who are actually running America are Sasha and Malia Obama, and that they're heavily influenced by Glee. So, like, expect to see a lot of superfluous hand motions in upcoming Obama speeches.

Like almost everything a Palin has ever said publicly, the gist of Bristol's latest blog post is "Here's a thing that happened that I don't like, and here's how this thing is totally about my mom, because everything is about my mom, who is the rightful Queen of America. Amen." Her problem this time, it appears, is that Obama mentioned that his daughters played a role in the evolution of his attitude toward same sex marriage, and people applaud him for his bravery. But when women like Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin say they believe in the Bible, The Lib'rul Media scoffs that if they believe in the Biblical principle of wifely submission to their husbands, then maybe if a woman who submits to her husband is elected to office, the public isn't really electing the woman, but the woman's husband, and the woman's husband doesn't, like, campaign and debate and stuff. And maybe that's not good.

President Obama didn't say that he unconditionally submits to his daughters, nor did he say that his daughters were the only reason for his change of heart, just that they played a role. But from that statement, Bristol was able to build an epic strawman, and then light that strawman on fire. Rather than try to break down this edition of Bristol's patented Bristoling, I'll leave it to the abstinence expert herself,

While it's great to listen to your kids' ideas, there's also a time when dads simply need to be dads. In this case, it would've been helpful for him to explain to Malia and Sasha that while her friends parents are no doubt lovely people, that's not a reason to change thousands of years of thinking about marriage. Or that – as great as her friends may be – we know that in general kids do better growing up in a mother/father home. Ideally, fathers help shape their kids' worldview.
In this situation, it was the other way around. I guess we can be glad that Malia and Sasha aren't younger, or perhaps today's press conference might have been about appointing Dora the Explorer as Attorney General because of her success in stopping Swiper the Fox.

Sometimes dads should lead their family in the right ways of thinking. In this case, it would've been nice if the President would've been an actual leader and helped shape their thoughts instead of merely reflecting what many teenagers think after one too many episodes of Glee.

There you have it. Policy expert Bristol Palin has cracked the case — it was Sasha and Malia Obama on the gay marriage with the Glee. But since we're talking about thousands of years of traditional marriage, it's worth mentioning that Bristol's breaking Biblical law by not being married to the father of her child.

At this point, if I was from the South, I'd be blessing the heck out of Bristol's dear heart.

[Bristol Palin]