Admit it. You are mildly curious about Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi's sophomore novel Gorilla Beach. You probably won't buy it, you wouldn't even read it on a beach (or maybe you would, in which case, I like you a whole lot more), but you might page through it if someone left it on a bus seat or, say, an excerpt of the first chapter happened to show up online. Luckily for you — luckily for all of us — Hollywood Life has posted a segment of what they're claiming to be Snooki's novel — and it certainly lives up to any and all expectations.
Gorilla Beach tells the story of Gia Spumante (spumante is an Italian sparkling white wine, so already this novel is perfect), a pint-sized guidette from Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn (a.k.a. Park Slope Jr.), who spends her summers on the Jersey Shore, longs to work in a tanning salon, has a strained relationship with her father and is unlucky in love after recently having broken up with her firefighter boyfriend Frank "the Hose" Rossi. All of these details, by the way, are peppered into a scene in which she and her cousin Bella (who is "tall and athletic, with perky silicone half-melon boobies") shop at a "sexcessories boutique" and they try on stripper outfits for a friend's bachelorette party (the friend is marrying the same man for the second time). I know. I'm starting to think that Snooki didn't have this ghost written either.
Here are some diamonds, completely out of context because, in this novel, context does not exist:
Holding a bouquet of white plastic roses, Gia strutted the length of the store aisle between racks of bondagewear and a wall of stripper wigs. she did a dramatic pose, arching her back. Her barely holstered boobs popped out of the corset.
"Nip slip!" said Bella, laughing. "You look like a slutty virgin."
Knowing Maria, who gargled with tequila and had been known to grind a lamppost when drunk, the bachelorette party would rock no matter who hosted it.
Before the divorce with Gia's mom five years ago, Gia and Joe were as tight as sausage casing.
"Attention Pleasure Chest shoppers!" said Bella to get Gia's attention. "I lost you for a second there. Where were you?"
"Gorilla Island," said Gia. "I was surrounded by a pack of juiceheads, and they were fighting over who got to bring me Jell-o shots and fried pickles."
She knew what was what, that she wasn't winning any prizes for her brains. Not everyone was born to put on a rubber apron and split atoms in a kitchen with a meat cleaver. Some people contributed to the world in a different-no less important-way.
She hated spending so much time holed up in dark rooms that stank of fake butter.
The bride never saw a plunging V-front, skintight, lycra, camo-print jumpsuit she didn't crush on hard.
"We need a dozen penis pops, too. And a leather whip, and these pink, fur-lined handcuffs," said Gia. "Do you gift wrap?"
The good news is that Gorilla Beach, to be released on May 15, is already the best book ever. The bad news? I bought Amazon out of their entire stock, so you will have to find somewhere else to get your copy.
Image via Andrew H. Walker/Getty.
Snooki's ‘Gorilla Beach' Exclusive Look At First Chapter [Hollywood Life]