How to Convince Hillary Clinton to Run for President in 2016 (Even Though She Already Said No)

Hillary Clinton told a crowd earlier today that she won't be running for President in 2016, and while she didn't come right out and say it, she sort of implied that she's tired of the unique brand of bullshit The People have flung at her during her decades-long career in the public eye. What can the hopeful masses do to convince Hillary that this time around, things will be different? How can would-be Hillary voters cajole her into running?

Clinton's announcement of premature withdrawal from the 2016 Presidential race came during an appearance at a girls' school in India. She told attendees at her talk that while she thought a woman would be President in her lifetime, it wasn't going to be her, because she feels like it's time for her to get off of the "political high wire." That's Hillary code for "being important is a pain in the ass." So let's make it less of a pain in the ass.

Hillary routinely refers to the unique obstacles faced by women in positions of political power. While I'm sure the Secretary of State faces more complicated challenges than the challenge of doing one goddamn thing without it being made into an occasion for late night comedians to whip out the Bill Clinton jokes, putting the kibosh on them certainly can't hurt. That's why if we want to show Hillary Clinton we're serious about her running for President, we need to propose a constitutional amendment barring jokes about Monica Lewinsky. The dalliances that led to the Lewinsky scandal happened in the mid-90's, which means that any Leno monologue blow jobs n' interns jokes are almost old enough to drive. And that's not what the Founding Fathers would have wanted. Especially not Thomas Jefferson.

Wireless providers can both become meme-worthy and show support for a Clinton Presidential run with a new text message plan called The Text Like Hillary, which doesn't charge subscribers for any text messages sent that are under 50 characters and deemed sufficiently badass by an algorithm.

We can further assure Hillary that the fuckery is over by asking that everyone who voted for John Edwards during the 2008 Iowa Caucuses (Hillary placed third, behind Future President Obama and future national embarrassment Edwards) sign a pledge swearing that due to their terrible judgment, they'll refrain from voting in the next three Presidential elections. This brand of targeted voter suppression will please conservatives, who love it when people don't vote, and please liberals, who love to Monday Morning Quarterback a Hillary Clinton presidency when things get rough.

Let's spare Hillary Clinton the headache of having to deal with world leaders who think that women should be sitting around getting muscle atrophy and occasionally having babies by enlisting scientists to create a robotic male President to make appearances in her stead. Sir Hillary Robo Clinton would speak Hillary's words, but in a male voice, thus minimizing gendered judgement on her governing skills. If we don't have the technology to make such a robot, surely we have the technology to convince Mitt Romney to be a progressive again.

Finally, the most fail-proof method to convince Hillary Clinton to run for President in 2016 is to keep asking her, over and over again, hundreds of times and as often as we can, hoping that at some point we'll have chipped away at her resolve enough to change her mind. Carlsbad Caverns were formed by water droplets. The Grand Canyon was once just The Underwhelming Canyon. Someday Hillary Clinton will relent, sigh heavily, and run for President, like a parent who is tired of telling their kid that they're not getting them a pony for Christmas.

[The Atlantic]