Trendy New Cellulite 'Cure' Makes Me Feel So Many Things

Today we learned about Cellulaze, a very expensive laser treatment that is being heralded as a possible "cure" for cellulite — as if cellulite were an illness, a plague of the thighs, a disease of the ass. Cellulaze was covered in the New York Times and the Today Show, which conveniently demonstrated the procedure. Both in a single day. So much cellulite-zapping, so much focus on the body. Cue the conflicted deluge. (But props to the Cellulaze PR team for the impressive synergy.)

As we've pointed out, cellulite is not actually a "problem." It's completely normal. That's just how ladies' thighs are constructed. But we've been conditioned to think it's a problem, that it's unattractive, and despite my day job running a website that consistently and correctly reminds us that this is a bullshit game, Cellulaze makes the hamster wheel in my brain spin right off the rails. Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts! I could barely focus on what I was reading about the treatment because with every sentence something new popped into my head. Like:

  • A doctor in New Jersey seems to offer the most experience for the "best" price. New Jersey is really close to NYC.
  • $7,500 for a trip to Jersey? For thighs?
  • I just booked a trip to Florida. I will wear a bathing suit.
  • Do I even have cellulite? I mean, I know I do. Is it a lot? A little? It's not like we ever see any in women's media, so I have no clue what's "normal."
  • I look fine. Shut up.
  • So would this come before or after I try to treat my spider veins?
  • Oh my god, I am going to spend my 40s in compression tights.
  • Seriously, shut the fuck up.
  • The procedure makes a "muffled pop-pop-pop sound, not unlike a rattlesnake, as fat cells broke" — like bubble wrap! Everyone loves popping bubble wrap!
  • Body acceptance. Body acceptance. Body acceptance.
  • Want.
  • I'm really embarrassed. I know better.
  • No, I don't.
  • Yes, I do.
  • There are aliens watching us right now. They're snickering. Stupid, silly humans, frying your legs, melting your insides, trying to take what nature gave you and reshaping it like blown glass.
  • How does one become a glass-blower? Is that an apprenticeship thing?
  • We're all going to die someday.
  • I should focus on the spider veins first.
  • QUIT LOOKING IN THE GODDAMN MIRROR YOU HAVE WONDERFUL FRIENDS AND A GREAT JOB.
  • Bubble wrap.